I have an inspirationals quote-for-the-day calendar at work. Today's just pisses me off. Here is it:
NEVER GIVE UP, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Well, Harriet, I'm sorry but this does not work for me. I should continue to beat my head against a wall that I cannot change, in hopes for a different outcome? Doesn't that smack of the definition of insanity (continuing the same behavior, expecting a different outcome)? And then, if I should be so "weak" as to concede that I cannot change that brick wall and give up that particular fight, I do so knowing (according to Harriet) that things would have been different had I not given up. Guilt. Nice.
Perhaps I am viewing dear Harriet in too narrow a view. Perhaps it is meant as a "big picture" sort of view - allowing for a person to give up on one particular brick wall and seek out another way to one's goal. Maybe. But sometimes, there is no other way and sometimes one's own mental health requires concession. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you cannot continue the fight.
Yes, of course, this reaction is personal to my current situation - two of four screening applications have ruled us out because of Sean's chemical dependency history, flat out rejection without any consideration of what we might offer that could outweigh that concern. Yes, I am feeling heartbroken and defeated. What is interesting, when I step back and look at things, is that a big part of me is beating myself up for talking about this big dream I have because now that the thwarting has begun, I am feeling embarrassed at the prospect of retracting that earlier excitement and replacing it with sorrow. And that, my friends, comes right from my childhood, where the message was 'never admit you really want something because odds are you aren't going to get it and then you'll have to admit to having felt you were worthy of something that you didn't get.' If you never admit you want to reach for something, you never have to admit that you didn't get it. Just stick with the Minnesota "fine" - I feel fine, my life is fine, the world is fine - and then you'll never be disappointed. Excuse me, but I need to go spew some curse words now...
Oh, sweetie. If it's any consolation (and it's probably not), I find Harriet's sentiment and others like it simplistic and absurd. Your take on concession and acceptance is much more sane and sensible.
ReplyDeleteCurse away. Curse loud. Get as much of it out as you need to.
sarah, I'm so sorry about the two of the four - but there are two left :) But, I'm kind of like Harriet . . . at least to a certain degree. After you finish spewing curse words, I hope you realize that you ARE worthy of this dream of yours! Don't give up! Look for alternate ways to achieve it! Any child would be blessed to have you as a mommy :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Judy. I am the queen of Plan B, so rest assured, once the cursing is over, I'll have a plan in mind!
DeleteOh, it is so scary to admit when you want something. I used to think people were snickering that I found myself worthy (by used to, I mean last week). You don't strike me as a quitter, and I think you will figure out if there are more resources to try to make this thing work.
ReplyDeleteShit! and more! I am less in favor of Harriet and more willing to say go find Plan B. What I know from my own life is that sometimes the best things rise from disappointment. But it takes a long time to finally know that. And, you are right - it's wrong that Sean's chemical dependency should automatically close the door to a new family member. People learn and grow and become even richer from some of these hard times. ANd, yes, I get that message from childhood too - Never want anything because it isn't going to happen. Why the hell do you think you deserve that? But, hey, we are both "grown ups" now and we know better than that. Curse to the high heavens and I will join you. Then sit back and see what the universe has for you about which you have NO idea.
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