I have an inspirationals quote-for-the-day calendar at work. Today's just pisses me off. Here is it:
NEVER GIVE UP, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Well, Harriet, I'm sorry but this does not work for me. I should continue to beat my head against a wall that I cannot change, in hopes for a different outcome? Doesn't that smack of the definition of insanity (continuing the same behavior, expecting a different outcome)? And then, if I should be so "weak" as to concede that I cannot change that brick wall and give up that particular fight, I do so knowing (according to Harriet) that things would have been different had I not given up. Guilt. Nice.
Perhaps I am viewing dear Harriet in too narrow a view. Perhaps it is meant as a "big picture" sort of view - allowing for a person to give up on one particular brick wall and seek out another way to one's goal. Maybe. But sometimes, there is no other way and sometimes one's own mental health requires concession. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you cannot continue the fight.
Yes, of course, this reaction is personal to my current situation - two of four screening applications have ruled us out because of Sean's chemical dependency history, flat out rejection without any consideration of what we might offer that could outweigh that concern. Yes, I am feeling heartbroken and defeated. What is interesting, when I step back and look at things, is that a big part of me is beating myself up for talking about this big dream I have because now that the thwarting has begun, I am feeling embarrassed at the prospect of retracting that earlier excitement and replacing it with sorrow. And that, my friends, comes right from my childhood, where the message was 'never admit you really want something because odds are you aren't going to get it and then you'll have to admit to having felt you were worthy of something that you didn't get.' If you never admit you want to reach for something, you never have to admit that you didn't get it. Just stick with the Minnesota "fine" - I feel fine, my life is fine, the world is fine - and then you'll never be disappointed. Excuse me, but I need to go spew some curse words now...