Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Went to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green today.  Sweet movie that we all enjoyed a great deal.  But as a person who has had 4 miscarriages - - I will admit to you that I cried like a baby in the beginning of the movie, as the parents describe "their child" and put the descriptions in the box.  Oh amen!  I've so been there.  Despite my attempts to not engage in it, I went from positive pregnancy test to guessing at gender and thinking about names and calculating due date and maternity leave to high school graduation and thoughts of the future for each and every one of those pregnancies.  And then as soon as I had each of my miscarriages, I purged all those pertinent dates and thoughts from my brain.  It hasn't been that long, and I couldn't tell you a single one of my then-thwarted due dates or anything.  Internal defenses to certain events are an interesting thing.

On the way home from the movie, both my kids started crying about our dog that died a couple years ago.  How they miss her, wondering where she is buried (btw, if anyone has an explanation for I explain allowing a family pet to be cremated by the vet's office that might make sense to a 9 year old, I'm all ears), and how life isn't fair.  Oh ain't that the truth, children!  They had me crying too. 

A much different vibe than our usual movie trips, but really a lovely movie. 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Feelings ... wo wo wo feeeelings ...

Anyone else remember that classic song "Feelings" by some guy?  No wonder I reject feelings - I was scarred for life by that song!

Anyway, it's been hard to come up with a blog topic lately - mostly because I've been way too scattered from being busy to think of much coherent, but also because the crap that floats through my brain is all on those topics I don't blog about.  I used to be able to say that I would be glad when the election is over, but I swear the political b.s. (lying, scheming, and making no effort to further community or national goals because we're too busy name calling) just goes on continually nowadays, but of course it is way worse in a presidential election year. 

Last night at my Al Anon meeting, there was a reading about the need to think before we speak - that airing things out unfiltered can cause untold damage.  True enough.  But what struck me was the flip side - that by thinking TOO MUCH before we speak, we (and by we I mean I) tend to deny our feelings and miss our opportunity to express them - which can cause untold damage to ourselves and our relationships.  I was raised not to have emotions, much less express them.  It hasn't been too hard to learn to express positive emotions but if something makes me feel a negative emotion, I have no ability to open up my mouth and talk about it. 

What is interesting to me is that I can sit in meetings and think - for instance in response to this reading - wow, I'm doing great because I don't vent at people and say hurtful things.  Yay me.  And then sometimes these other realizations happen and I think - crap ... I am one damaged piece of work.  But I did give myself a little pat for having this realization. 

The next reading was something about how the program allows a safe space for folks who have long stuff their emotions to feel those stuffed feelings - and it characterized it as those emotions boiling forward like hot lava pouring out.  Well to my Midwestern Lutheran Scandahoovian self, this stopped me in my tracks.  I'm good.  No need for hot lava here.  You can just keep your full range of emotional health, I'll just be here.  Holy crap, who thinks that the 'hot lava' experience is a motivator to work the program to get in touch with your inner emotions?  I am not miserable by any stretch, I'm mostly content even - I should also say that I'm not convinced that I have a hot lava pool in me anyway - but I am certainly not feeling anxious to move one step in that direction just in case. 

So feelings - I have them.  I feel them.  I can identify a whole spectrum of them in me.  I even know the script for talking about the negative ones (you know, the "when you do [whatever], I feel [whatever], and it would feel better to me if you would do [whatever] instead."  But I can't visualize how to make myself do that any more than I can visualize how to make myself do a back flip. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

another tick off my bucket list

Had the good fortune to see one of my favorite singer songwriters in concert tonight at one of my favorite places - the Minnesota Zoo uses their outdoor amphitheater for Music in the Zoo in the summertime and my sister and I went to see Mary Chapin Carpenter.  She has long been a favorite, since the first time I ever heard her music, and she has long been on my list - for whatever reason - of celebrities I'd like to have a beer with.  Well no beer tonight, but I am very happy to like her just as much after the concert - she seemed nice and friendly and grateful and funny.

Got me thinking about other groups I've seen in concert ... I have a pretty limited live music experience.  My first concert was Styx during their Kilroy was Here tour.  I was a senior in high school.  Then I saw the Nylons and Billy Joel in my early 20s.  When I was in Seattle, I saw some groups I don't recall the names of, but I did see one concert by The Proclaimers (awesome!) and I saw Pearl Jam at the Gorge in George, with Neil Young (Eddie Vedder was so drunk it was kind of disappointing).  I saw Harry Connick Jr (he is a wild performer and so fun - and adorable) during law school and I also won tickets to some concert with three pop/rock groups who had big songs around then but I can't for the life of me remember who those groups were...and I don't think I've seen anyone since then (1999).

So maybe having a beer with Mary Chapin was a bit of a stretch for my bucket list, so I'll consider it satisfied with tonight and our front row seats.  Worth every penny!