I'd like to say that the lack of "real" blog posts lately is due to some marvelous thing that is occupying my time. Instead, the reality is that I'm crabby and I'm backsliding into some isolating and negative behaviors. There are things I should be talking about - either airing them out here or telling them to my husband or venting them at Al Anon - and instead I tuck them away and say I'll get to them "sometime." Hah!
Sean says that it is common to plateau in recovery, when you might hit a spot where you just aren't getting the same result from meetings or whatever and feel like maybe you should just quit. I suspect that's where I'm at. I've been finding that I'm getting quieter and quieter at Al Anon - some as a result of just not wanting to talk about it, and some as a result of others struggling with what I perceive to be much larger issues than mine and then my midwestern stoicism kicks in and tells me that I must give up my spot to someone who has it worse (not a bad thought in general, but some time has to be my turn, right?). And I've been using this blog as a method expressing my feelings for a couple months now and am finding that I am relying on the crutch of "writing prompts" to avoid what I want/need to talk about and instead spending my time writing what someone else says I should...not that it's bad that I'm telling stories of my family for NaBloPoMo, for instance, but that should be the extra post of the day, I'm thinking, not the only post.
On a more interesting note, I chopped my hair off last weekend. It had grown as long as I've ever had it - to the middle of my back - and it was pretty awful. Flat and boring. But that's what I do - I let my hair grow and grow and eventually it hits me that it's time for it to go and CHOP! It looks good now and it is kind of a pick-me-up, as this every five years or so event of chopping my hair often is the harbinger of some new and positive step in my life. What was funny was that last year I was thinking about cutting my hair off and then promised myself that I won't cut my hair until ____________. Then I realized a few months ago that I had no idea what the ________________ had been. Ah well, I trust now that whatever _____________ was, it's now passed.
As I walked the dog last night, the following came to mind. Does anyone have a theory on these preferences:
I prefer moonlight to sunlight, though I am afraid of the dark.
I prefer silver to gold.
I prefer silence to noise, even though I talk to myself incessantly when I'm alone.
I also prefer silence to noise, even though I must have the TV on when I am home alone - - for the company :)
ReplyDeleteAnd your "issues" are just as important and big to you as the "much larger issues" that you perceive the others are dealing with . . .
good thoughts heading your way!
Sarah, here's where we bring the artillery in. If using the prompts is working then great. It's hard to express yourself when there's more than just you involved. Know that there are many out here who support you, no matter what the times ahead may bring. Don't sweat the small stuff.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mark. I'm glad you are here.
DeleteI don't get it. What was that post I just read about Uncle Ken if that wasn't you writing? So you are saying that every blog piece must be what? Intimate? Revealing? Intense? Don't set the bar like that or I will need to do the same thing....
ReplyDeleteAnd, damn! if I don't know that whole piece about stoicism and how I really need to step aside b/c surely others are in much more need of help than I or are in more pain than I or have it worse than I.....That sucks - no, really - whose reality are you in? your own and if you are feeling in pain, lonely, discouraged, somehow less than, your reality counts. I know it looks as if I have it made - great health, satisfying work, a comfortable old house with a yard, healthy and responsible children, a partner who doesn't do bad things -- all that is true - but that doesn't mean I can't still feel lonely, disconnected, confused , in pain.
We ARE sisters. I think I figured that out.
Thanks JT. Nice to have a blog-sister who gets me! The thing about writing with writing prompts as opposed to writing what comes directly from my heart or gut, is that one of my defenses is my ability to tell stories or talk about something else, which is far more enjoyable and easier and allows me to redirect myself and others from what I *need* to unload. It doesn't make the stories or other conversations irrelevant or uninteresting, but it is me avoiding whatever it is that is eating at me. When I realize that all I've written in several days is the other stuff, I also realize I'm covering up my unwillingness to address what is swirling in my head by story-telling.
DeleteWhen I get in the funky place, it's always hard for me to talk about it--out loud or in print. And it's also hard to strike the balance between healthy space and isolation.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I've enjoyed everything you've been putting out here--"real" or not.