My kids - ages 9 and 7.5 - have never had any interest in the telephone. They rarely talk on the phone, even when we try to get them to talk to grandparents, etc., they almost never call anyone, and never ever do they try to answer the phone. Today I had a voice mail from my elder daughter at work (a first!) and when I called back she answered ... all to tell me that the little white things we saw on the milkweek plants several days ago, and thought might be eggs, were eggs and now we have a few more monarch caterpillars in our container! AAAAAANNNNDDD, in her excited words "one of the caterpillars has gotten so fat, I thought it was a .... a .... well I don't know what I thought it was but it is really really fat!" That call simply made my day.
Jordan and I are pretty proud of ourselves because I read something about finding monarch eggs and then nurturing the caterpillars, and that night we went looking at milkweed plants and found leaves with the aforementioned "little white things" and also found two plants with the teeniest little striped monarch caterpillars I ever saw. So we made a little home for them and are waiting to see if we get chrysalises and ultimately monarch butterflies too!
Friday, June 8, 2012
One year ago...
It was a Friday - June 10, 2012 about 4:20 p.m. to be exact - when my secretary came back to my office with a note (I think I was on the phone) from some person, saying he needed me to call him back emergently. No mention of why or about whom... I kept on with my other business and ten minutes later she was back again, same person on the line, now sounding panicky. So I took the call.
He informed me that was a counselor of some kind and he had my husband in his office as an employee crisis client, and Sean had disclosed that he had relapsed and was in need of detox. This poor counselor - I don't think he knew squat about addiction and just kept telling me Sean needed to go to detox. I was aware that our local detox unit had recently closed and the counselor's plan for Sean to "go to detox" would mean getting him into a van in the next 15 minutes for the unit in the Twin Cities, which Sean was unwilling to do. The counselor's other solution was that I come and get him and deal with it. He very much wanted me to let him off the hook of figuring out the solution to the problem at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon.
Since I work 40 minutes away and their office was supposed to close at 4:30, his next suggestion was that Sean drive home and meet me there to "figure it out". That suggestion met with my informing him that he would be aiding and abetting a DUI (which is against the law in Minnesota) by letting my stoned husband get behind the wheel. And I couldn't for the life of me understand why this counselor just wanted to have us figure it out and wasn't making any calls himself (beyond the call to detox). This was not a problem-solving situation for him, I guess, it was a "get this guy out of my office so I can go home" situation.
And thus kicked off a pretty ... shall we call it "busy" ... summer for me. My 40 minute drive home that afternoon included a fair amount of cursing on my part, and phone calls with Sean and my sister and my parents. Picked up Sean, picked up the kids, packed some emergency bags, met my sister to let her take my kids, and headed off for somewhere with Sean. Once the kids were handled, my head cleared enough for me to realize that a traditional detox unit wasn't going to work for Sean (opiate withdrawal is nothing to mess with and can be life-threatening), so instead we went to the ER. Thankfully the folks there were helpful and there was no question that he was going to be admitted, and by midnight or so, he was checked in. I was so angry that I don't think I even talked to Sean for most of the evening, but at the same time I really wanted him to be safe. And there is humor to be found, particularly when your brain is completely overwhelmed, in the ridiculous things people say. One example of that is ER doctors, who you'd think would be kind of used to the crazy stuff people do and the unbelieveable amounts of crap people ingest when they are in the grip of addiction. The doctors would ask Sean how much he was taking a day, or how much he'd had that day, and when he answered they would try to argue with him that he was exaggerating or miscalculating the dosage ... to which I'd usually interject helpfully "he's a pharmacist, trust him!"
It was an ugly weekend for Sean. In a way, I was glad to see him so sick - I'm sure there were some thoughts of "serves you right" but also it makes me feel like it would dissuade anyone from relapsing ever again. The following Tuesday, I drove Sean to Hazelden, where he remained for 90 days. He missed the entire summer, he missed my parents' 50th wedding anniversary party and my friend's wedding, he missed Brooke's birthday and the kids' first day of school. Every Sunday but one, for three months, the girls and I made the eight hour round trip to see him, spending 3-4 hours visiting. It was a long summer.
And how here we are a year later. I would have to say we've come a long way since that Friday afternoon a year ago. Sean is still clean and starting to even take on a somewhat positive outlook on life. I am still feeling the relief I was given, first at Family Group and later through Al Anon and just recovery as a whole. As I have been putting this post together, I'm finding a list of things I've learned that might begin to sum it up...
He informed me that was a counselor of some kind and he had my husband in his office as an employee crisis client, and Sean had disclosed that he had relapsed and was in need of detox. This poor counselor - I don't think he knew squat about addiction and just kept telling me Sean needed to go to detox. I was aware that our local detox unit had recently closed and the counselor's plan for Sean to "go to detox" would mean getting him into a van in the next 15 minutes for the unit in the Twin Cities, which Sean was unwilling to do. The counselor's other solution was that I come and get him and deal with it. He very much wanted me to let him off the hook of figuring out the solution to the problem at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon.
Since I work 40 minutes away and their office was supposed to close at 4:30, his next suggestion was that Sean drive home and meet me there to "figure it out". That suggestion met with my informing him that he would be aiding and abetting a DUI (which is against the law in Minnesota) by letting my stoned husband get behind the wheel. And I couldn't for the life of me understand why this counselor just wanted to have us figure it out and wasn't making any calls himself (beyond the call to detox). This was not a problem-solving situation for him, I guess, it was a "get this guy out of my office so I can go home" situation.
And thus kicked off a pretty ... shall we call it "busy" ... summer for me. My 40 minute drive home that afternoon included a fair amount of cursing on my part, and phone calls with Sean and my sister and my parents. Picked up Sean, picked up the kids, packed some emergency bags, met my sister to let her take my kids, and headed off for somewhere with Sean. Once the kids were handled, my head cleared enough for me to realize that a traditional detox unit wasn't going to work for Sean (opiate withdrawal is nothing to mess with and can be life-threatening), so instead we went to the ER. Thankfully the folks there were helpful and there was no question that he was going to be admitted, and by midnight or so, he was checked in. I was so angry that I don't think I even talked to Sean for most of the evening, but at the same time I really wanted him to be safe. And there is humor to be found, particularly when your brain is completely overwhelmed, in the ridiculous things people say. One example of that is ER doctors, who you'd think would be kind of used to the crazy stuff people do and the unbelieveable amounts of crap people ingest when they are in the grip of addiction. The doctors would ask Sean how much he was taking a day, or how much he'd had that day, and when he answered they would try to argue with him that he was exaggerating or miscalculating the dosage ... to which I'd usually interject helpfully "he's a pharmacist, trust him!"
It was an ugly weekend for Sean. In a way, I was glad to see him so sick - I'm sure there were some thoughts of "serves you right" but also it makes me feel like it would dissuade anyone from relapsing ever again. The following Tuesday, I drove Sean to Hazelden, where he remained for 90 days. He missed the entire summer, he missed my parents' 50th wedding anniversary party and my friend's wedding, he missed Brooke's birthday and the kids' first day of school. Every Sunday but one, for three months, the girls and I made the eight hour round trip to see him, spending 3-4 hours visiting. It was a long summer.
And how here we are a year later. I would have to say we've come a long way since that Friday afternoon a year ago. Sean is still clean and starting to even take on a somewhat positive outlook on life. I am still feeling the relief I was given, first at Family Group and later through Al Anon and just recovery as a whole. As I have been putting this post together, I'm finding a list of things I've learned that might begin to sum it up...
- It is OK to not have it all figured out right now. It is OK to work on the issues today presents and leave the worry about tomorrow for tomorrow. Didn't Scarlett O'Hara say something like that in Gone With the Wind?
- It is OK to leave him be and let him figure it out. This is still somewhat of a tricky one for me, since so much of what one person does in a family affects the rest of the family ... but overall, we each need to follow our own path, in our own time, and while I can try to be supportive and "there", I can't walk him down his path.
- I can do it alone if I have to. That sounds a bit cold and callous, but 90 days of single parenthood taught me that I can do it, and more or less do it well, even by myself. I'm not choosing that for my family and am glad to not have to do it alone, but I give myself a lot of credit for it.
- Addiction is everywhere and touches everyone. And the more open you are about your experience, the more you find support and find that you can give support to others even just by acknowledging it.
- Recovery has opened my eyes to my own need to reach and grow ... far beyond dealing with the effects of addiction in my life. And it has also freed me in large part from my guilt over not doing it all right now. "Progress, not perfection" is a pretty good slogan for summing that up. I am trying hard to move forward in life, every day, so that I become more and more of the person I feel inside me.
- I realize how much internal work, really positive, healthy steps forward, I've taken over the years, in terms of accepting myself and my past, and in terms of accepting others. Oh I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I really admire my own ability to reflect and change myself over the years. I am so pleased with who I am - even as I move forward into what I believe is an even better me.
- I still have a long way to go in dealing with some of my character flaws. I have some pretty incredible road blocks when it comes to certain forms of communication and certain relationships. And as I identify these character flaws (Step 4 for you recovery folk) and think about being "entirely ready" to have my Higher Power remove them (Step 6 - right? I don't have my book in front of me), I realize that "entirely ready" means "entirely ready" - as in, actually moving my feet to walking the path toward resolving those flaws. In recent weeks, that path has shown itself to me, laid out in a nice little yellow brick road in front of me, and I know it goes to good places. And yet my feet remain solidly in the courtyard of Munchkin Land, unwilling to put my toe on that first piece of the road. It's all about my sense of control, baby. I have to be willing to give it UP and step on that road ... and yet, as I said before, I have learned that when I am ready, I will. And I'm taking deep breaths and accepting that I can't beat myself up about not being ready when I don't even really know what is holding me back. Relax and let it ride ... and someday soon, I think, my feet will start moving and away I'll go.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Once
Once I was free
But I longed to be bound
By children
By a husband
By a "job that matters"
And my wish came true,
I have the children
I have the husband
I have a "job that matters"
Beyond that,
I have family and community
I have personal satisfaction
I have security
I have respect
But I'm still longing
And something is missing
How can you go looking
when you don't know what
you're looking for?
But I longed to be bound
By children
By a husband
By a "job that matters"
And my wish came true,
I have the children
I have the husband
I have a "job that matters"
Beyond that,
I have family and community
I have personal satisfaction
I have security
I have respect
But I'm still longing
And something is missing
How can you go looking
when you don't know what
you're looking for?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Where are my superhero powers when I need them? And other random thoughts.
I don't like to blog about my work, but suffice it to say that I am feeling like a Regular Joe, thrown into a job for Superman lately. I am not without some skills but the things I'm facing seem to require superpowers and I'm feeling extremely inadequate trying to make do. It's hard and it's draining and I find myself wishing desperately for something to give.
On a happier note, the "no screens from 8-4" rule has been upheld for 2 days so far. I truly think, if we stick to our guns (and by "we", I mean Sean, since he's the one at home with the kids), the habit will be formed and everyone will be happier. I am particularly thrilled that Sean has also followed the rule and the family room TV remains off as well. I am very encouraged with the summer vacation routine so far.
I am not really up to speed on social networking. I do have Facebook - for personal contacts, but no link to my blog there - and have both a Twitter account and a LinkedIn account. I rarely post anything on Twitter, though I am amused by following certain celebs and what they write about and do follow a few bloggers too, and I never do anything with LinkedIn. Does anyone know what LinkedIn is even for? As best I can tell, other than listing your name and basic bio information, anything else costs money. Why in the world would anyone pay for LinkedIn?
I spent a lot of time thinking about folks with struggles on my walk with the dog this morning. I'm sure I don't even remember everyone I've read about in the last couple weeks that has some new stuff going on in their life, but I used my 20 minutes to send up some thoughts and caring to them as I walked. And I came away with my usual reactions - appreciating just how lucky I am.
And now it's time to put on my Superman suit and head to work, to beat my head against a wall for what I hope is a short, default hearing. Lucky for me today, once it is over, I get to leave for the day since Sean has some appointments out of town.
On a happier note, the "no screens from 8-4" rule has been upheld for 2 days so far. I truly think, if we stick to our guns (and by "we", I mean Sean, since he's the one at home with the kids), the habit will be formed and everyone will be happier. I am particularly thrilled that Sean has also followed the rule and the family room TV remains off as well. I am very encouraged with the summer vacation routine so far.
I am not really up to speed on social networking. I do have Facebook - for personal contacts, but no link to my blog there - and have both a Twitter account and a LinkedIn account. I rarely post anything on Twitter, though I am amused by following certain celebs and what they write about and do follow a few bloggers too, and I never do anything with LinkedIn. Does anyone know what LinkedIn is even for? As best I can tell, other than listing your name and basic bio information, anything else costs money. Why in the world would anyone pay for LinkedIn?
I spent a lot of time thinking about folks with struggles on my walk with the dog this morning. I'm sure I don't even remember everyone I've read about in the last couple weeks that has some new stuff going on in their life, but I used my 20 minutes to send up some thoughts and caring to them as I walked. And I came away with my usual reactions - appreciating just how lucky I am.
And now it's time to put on my Superman suit and head to work, to beat my head against a wall for what I hope is a short, default hearing. Lucky for me today, once it is over, I get to leave for the day since Sean has some appointments out of town.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
I laughed out loud...
After adopting him as a stray about a year and a half ago, our half-witted cat Harry has been bolting for any open door he sees for a couple months now. This is new behavior for him this year. I am fairly certain that Harry couldn't find his way to the front yard from the backyard - he's that dumb. But since he is declawed and really clueless, I do chase him down and plop him back in the house instead of just letting him do his thing and hope for the best. Normally, he does one of two things - he either tears around the house for the backyard and the bushes or, more frequently, he runs over toward the front door and then lays down on the sidewalk until you pick him up.
Today he bolted out as we were leaving to run some errands. He headed for the sidewalk this time, and had just started to lay down when he saw two squirrels in the yard and he was off like a shot after them! I had never seen him do anything like it! He was about 7 feet off the ground, up the tree after them, before his momentum ran out and he realized he had no front claws and had no idea how to use his back claws ... and so, gravity being what it is, down he came. He stood frozen at the base of the tree, staring at those fat squirrels, who were barking at him like crazy! I was actually a little leery of approaching the tree to fetch the cat, since mad squirrels are nothing to mess with and they were making such a racket. And I laughed and laughed. Unfortunately, no-one else had come out of the garage with me, so I was the only one to enjoy the spectacle and the others just had to be satisfied with my telling them what happened.
Reminded me of my former cat, Cricket, who was an indoor/outdoor cat when I lived in Seattle. I had this little backyard with a wooden fence, and Cricket loved to walk along it. One day, as I watched from the window, she was backing down the fence for some reason, right toward a squirrel, who didn't seem to see her either. And Cricket actually bumped right into the squirrel - they both went straight up on contact, and both shot off in opposite directions just like cartoon characters. I laughed awfully hard that day too - Cricket was a very proud cat and she did not appreciate my reaction.
Today he bolted out as we were leaving to run some errands. He headed for the sidewalk this time, and had just started to lay down when he saw two squirrels in the yard and he was off like a shot after them! I had never seen him do anything like it! He was about 7 feet off the ground, up the tree after them, before his momentum ran out and he realized he had no front claws and had no idea how to use his back claws ... and so, gravity being what it is, down he came. He stood frozen at the base of the tree, staring at those fat squirrels, who were barking at him like crazy! I was actually a little leery of approaching the tree to fetch the cat, since mad squirrels are nothing to mess with and they were making such a racket. And I laughed and laughed. Unfortunately, no-one else had come out of the garage with me, so I was the only one to enjoy the spectacle and the others just had to be satisfied with my telling them what happened.
Reminded me of my former cat, Cricket, who was an indoor/outdoor cat when I lived in Seattle. I had this little backyard with a wooden fence, and Cricket loved to walk along it. One day, as I watched from the window, she was backing down the fence for some reason, right toward a squirrel, who didn't seem to see her either. And Cricket actually bumped right into the squirrel - they both went straight up on contact, and both shot off in opposite directions just like cartoon characters. I laughed awfully hard that day too - Cricket was a very proud cat and she did not appreciate my reaction.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I love my sister!
First trip to my hometown area of the month - 2 more to go. This was just a quickie - chance to spend a little quality time with my sister and nieces, and lend a little moral support to my parents who had a moving sale/garage sale, in preparation for what they hope will be a move from their home of the last 20 years to a condo on the golf course across town. We picked a gorgeous day to hang out and had a great day. It is so re-charging for me to hang with my sister, particularly when we don't have any big things going on. I'm so excited that I'll be seeing her for good chunks of time on three weekends this month.
Tomorrow we have to map out the kids week at home. Focus on outdoor activities and avoiding screen-time. I'm hoping that if we have an organized plan for the kids - with a good balance of small chore and other more fun things - life will run smoothly and without a lot of stress for Sean. I'd like him to enjoy this opportunity of being a SAHD as much as possible, even as he has his eye on going back to work soon.
And then it's back to the races for another week.
Tomorrow we have to map out the kids week at home. Focus on outdoor activities and avoiding screen-time. I'm hoping that if we have an organized plan for the kids - with a good balance of small chore and other more fun things - life will run smoothly and without a lot of stress for Sean. I'd like him to enjoy this opportunity of being a SAHD as much as possible, even as he has his eye on going back to work soon.
And then it's back to the races for another week.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Welcome to June!
Today is June 1. My girls finished school yesterday - can't believe I now have a 2nd and 4th grader! What a great year they had in school. How jealous am I (every year) of summer vacation. My younger daughter asked me the other day "Mommy, when is your last day of work?" Oh how I wish!
On the other hand, my husband the SAHD is now on full-time daddy duty. I don't really envy that either. I'm pretty excited though, because this is the first summer that we've been able to sign the kids up for community ed activities since taxi-dad is one of Sean's SAHD duties. Brooke gets 2 rounds of summer school this summer, Jordan is taking 3 different community ed courses, and they both can do vacation Bible school at church this year. And hopefully we can figure out activities and "field trips" and even some math skills time to keep them all busy (and off the electronic screens) this summer.
But it is always an adjustment for me to get up and get ready for work while everyone else sleeps. Why oh why did I not become a teacher, so I could have the thrill of "last day of school!!!" and then the anticipation in a few months of "first day of school!!!" Happy summer vacation everyone!
On the other hand, my husband the SAHD is now on full-time daddy duty. I don't really envy that either. I'm pretty excited though, because this is the first summer that we've been able to sign the kids up for community ed activities since taxi-dad is one of Sean's SAHD duties. Brooke gets 2 rounds of summer school this summer, Jordan is taking 3 different community ed courses, and they both can do vacation Bible school at church this year. And hopefully we can figure out activities and "field trips" and even some math skills time to keep them all busy (and off the electronic screens) this summer.
But it is always an adjustment for me to get up and get ready for work while everyone else sleeps. Why oh why did I not become a teacher, so I could have the thrill of "last day of school!!!" and then the anticipation in a few months of "first day of school!!!" Happy summer vacation everyone!
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