Saturday, March 3, 2012

problematic gratitude list

I am a fan of the gratitude list.  I have always tried to see the good before I start to wallow into the bad, and usually I have no trouble filling up a detailed and sincere gratitude list - but it appears I have started to take my underlying gratitude for granted.

Life has been a little off for me lately.  So last night, as I was walking the dog, I decided to consider my gratitude list out loud (a perk of walking my dog in the dark on an empty street!).  To my dismay, every "I am fortunate that..." had the added clause of "but..."  So now my gratitude is conditional?  The fact that I have been blessed with a family in good health and well provided for isn't good enough?  Oh brother!  I venture to opine that this may be the crux of my "off-ness"...my pity party is overshadowing my gratitude.  I hate it when that happens!

I've been working, bit by bit on my 4th step "fearless and searching moral inventory", which at some point will, I think, create a list of my particular character defects...I tend to think self pity and sense of entitlement will be high on the list of my shortcomings.  And the way to remove said shortcomings?  I get that the 6th step says that I ask my Higher Power to remove them, but in function, the removal I think is changing my focus from whining about the life and circumstances I wish I had, and instead finding joy and peace in the life I have.  DAMMIT - you mean the joy and peace is within my reach all the time and not something that someone else is going to bring my (i.e. the prince on the white steed theme)?  BUT I WANT TO BE RESCUED THROUGH NO EFFORT OF MY OWN!  I am now rolling my eyes at myself.  Can you tell I've been watching Jon Stewart and the Daily Show?  I am mocking myself - which is often a good method for getting myself out of a negative pattern of behavior. Let's hope!

On a happy note, we had a foot of snow the other day, and have gotten a dusting of fluffy stuff on top of it every day since.  It is beautiful outside - and only in the upper 20s or 30s, so really pleasant to be outside.  I have learned that Lucky the dog loves snow - even snow drifts well above his head - and it is actually very fun to walk him and feed off his joy of being out and about and leaping onto and out of the drifts. 

4 comments:

  1. It's hard not to feel better when the dogs are giddy with excitement!

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  2. I am glad you are getting better, though a foot of snow to me, is the guest who overstays her visit. I despise snow, unless I can be relieved of the need to be outside in it. OK, done whining.

    Temporarily, I am being just a bit overwhelmed with my entry back into the world which I occupied for so many years teaching. I have accomplished this through FaceBook. My reception has been very rewarding. In the past ten days, my world has expanded outward, as former students are discovering that the guy who used to try and teach them how to write, actually does OK in that regard. My page-views, something that heretofore, I have paid any attention to, have been escalating alarmingly. I topped 400, yesterday, giving my four digits in three days. To this old hippie, it doesn't matter.

    But I am going to use this interest to begin hammering away at Kaiden's college fund. I figure half-a-million ought to do it, and we have 18 years. I have proposed to the community, that if people are interested, (and my "stats" indicate they are) I will start putting my essays out for purchase at a buck apiece, with proceeds going to Kaiden's college fund.
    Big 'tings qwine on here. Great success.

    Though I have become drunk with power, I will never forget the little people, who helped me to the top.

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  3. I think you are right - - there is so much to be grateful for. But maybe we're not really THAT grateful is we're putting conditions on it - - -haha! I think we all do that sometimes! But you've inspired me to start WRITING down one thing a day for which I am grateful. Thank you!!

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  4. Sarah, I left you a little something on my blog :)

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