I have been a regular Al Anon attender since last August. Most of the time, I am happy to go and happy when I leave. Then I went to a meeting about six weeks ago and there was a big "group conscience" dispute for the first time - and, to me, the dispute being discussed was (a) stupid; and (b) unfairly discussed. As soon as one person piped up her disagreement, everyone else just backtracked and tucked their tails and kissed so much ass it was nauseating. And then it ended with some ridiculous hug-it-out kind of nonsense. I was so irritated when I left that I was glad we were missing the next 3 weeks of our regular meeting. Went back last week and it was OK ... but I didn't really want to be there and I definitely didn't feel any of my usual positive feelings when I left. And then last night I really didn't want to go and I was so annoyed by the whole thing I actually left before it was over.
So what to do? Sean suggested perhaps I try a different meeting. But honestly, what is annoying me the most is the rules of it all (the basic issue of the disagreement last month) and then the idea that I am totally at the mercy of whoever wants to talk up the whole meeting. That's the point of the meeting I know, and everyone talks about all this safety and freedom at meetings, so what is wrong with ME for sitting there feeling completely hijacked and trapped?
Not sure what my Al Anon future holds. Not sure what I want it to hold. Not sure what I get out of it.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Goal Post #1
With the ultimate goal being improved health and well being for my family, and a kick ass adoption application ready to rock and roll by June 2013, I think a series of posts with the smaller goals along the way is in order...
By the end of May 2012, I will set out a one year plan - following discussion and hopefully investment by my husband and perhaps the kids - to move forward toward healthier living in a variety of areas. Those areas might include, but are not limited to, finances, our family's diet, our family's physical activity, emotional health, our relationships, parenting, and household management. I hope that we can set some small goals in these or other areas, write them down, and then each month have a discussion about how we did and where we are going next.
I pray for the ability to lead and to maintain my own enthusiasm because at least the first few months of this challenge are going to be hard work, from a leadership perspective.
By the end of May 2012, I will set out a one year plan - following discussion and hopefully investment by my husband and perhaps the kids - to move forward toward healthier living in a variety of areas. Those areas might include, but are not limited to, finances, our family's diet, our family's physical activity, emotional health, our relationships, parenting, and household management. I hope that we can set some small goals in these or other areas, write them down, and then each month have a discussion about how we did and where we are going next.
I pray for the ability to lead and to maintain my own enthusiasm because at least the first few months of this challenge are going to be hard work, from a leadership perspective.
Jumbled thoughts...
I miss the A to Z challenge - when all else failed, I had a LETTER to start a post...since yesterday I've been trying to find a thread of something to write about. But all I seem to have is floaters - ideas pop in and out and nothing really coalesceses.
My niece has her first prom tomorrow night. I am planning to go to see the Grand March. She is going with a guy who liked her but she didn't like him in that way. But since they agreed to go together, he has apparently found someone else and that girl and her date will sit with them at dinner ... I'm very curious to hear how that all plays out. But my niece also has a new guy that she does like in that way, and though he is not going to prom, he will be at the after prom lock in event. Musical dates anyone? Luckily, they are all friends, so hopefully it will be fine with no teenage drama attached. I do not miss high school nor do I look forward to re-living this drama in a few years when my girls get there.
Speaking of my 9 year old who is quickly moving into the "tween" behaviors. She tends to growl at me now, rather than speak. It seems that I get about 30-60 minutes of normal behavior per day and after that she just growls and whines until my head spins around and I consider spewing the verbal equivalent of pea soup. I am not a fan of being growled at, as it turns out, and am struggling with ignoring it. The other night I played the "if you're going to be a jerk to me, then I'll be a jerk to you" card, refused to read Harry Potter with her at bedtime, and told her to crabby her own self to sleep. I think she ended up reading for a while by herself and I know I heard some more whining and carrying on after I shut her door, but she stayed in there and was asleep by 9p. I am working hard not to yell but it is HARD.
We are going to a hog roast at a friend's ranch tomorrow, in celebration of his wife's birthday. I have been surprised at my reaction to his facebook post yesterday about getting the pig - the live pig - in preparation. There was even a photo of the live pig in its pen. It's not like I don't know where meat comes from, after all. I might be a town kid, but I am at least aware of what happens on farms. But I couldn't stop my lip from curling. This feeling was not helped by logging on to facebook this morning and seeing that he then posted a photo of said pig - now dead - hanging and ready for butchering I guess. I had a moment of panic that he was going to have a series of photos of the process, but thankfully it was just the one. Now my lip is curling and my nose is wrinkling up and I keep wondering if the roasted pork will smell good enough tomorrow to wipe that photo out of my mind? Please know, the issue with all this (for me) is not the butchering piece in any way - it's seeing live pig/dead pig on facebook. It's much the same as how I feel about all the hunting enthusiasts - go, have a good time, be safe and ethical, but I really don't want to see your dead critters. I have no idea why it is thrilling or fun or exciting or even satisfying to see an animal moving around in it's daily life and then killing it, though I accept that it is a reality. It is a piece of people I don't understand and never will, and so I try not to think about it.
This post definitely gets a "random" label today!
My niece has her first prom tomorrow night. I am planning to go to see the Grand March. She is going with a guy who liked her but she didn't like him in that way. But since they agreed to go together, he has apparently found someone else and that girl and her date will sit with them at dinner ... I'm very curious to hear how that all plays out. But my niece also has a new guy that she does like in that way, and though he is not going to prom, he will be at the after prom lock in event. Musical dates anyone? Luckily, they are all friends, so hopefully it will be fine with no teenage drama attached. I do not miss high school nor do I look forward to re-living this drama in a few years when my girls get there.
Speaking of my 9 year old who is quickly moving into the "tween" behaviors. She tends to growl at me now, rather than speak. It seems that I get about 30-60 minutes of normal behavior per day and after that she just growls and whines until my head spins around and I consider spewing the verbal equivalent of pea soup. I am not a fan of being growled at, as it turns out, and am struggling with ignoring it. The other night I played the "if you're going to be a jerk to me, then I'll be a jerk to you" card, refused to read Harry Potter with her at bedtime, and told her to crabby her own self to sleep. I think she ended up reading for a while by herself and I know I heard some more whining and carrying on after I shut her door, but she stayed in there and was asleep by 9p. I am working hard not to yell but it is HARD.
We are going to a hog roast at a friend's ranch tomorrow, in celebration of his wife's birthday. I have been surprised at my reaction to his facebook post yesterday about getting the pig - the live pig - in preparation. There was even a photo of the live pig in its pen. It's not like I don't know where meat comes from, after all. I might be a town kid, but I am at least aware of what happens on farms. But I couldn't stop my lip from curling. This feeling was not helped by logging on to facebook this morning and seeing that he then posted a photo of said pig - now dead - hanging and ready for butchering I guess. I had a moment of panic that he was going to have a series of photos of the process, but thankfully it was just the one. Now my lip is curling and my nose is wrinkling up and I keep wondering if the roasted pork will smell good enough tomorrow to wipe that photo out of my mind? Please know, the issue with all this (for me) is not the butchering piece in any way - it's seeing live pig/dead pig on facebook. It's much the same as how I feel about all the hunting enthusiasts - go, have a good time, be safe and ethical, but I really don't want to see your dead critters. I have no idea why it is thrilling or fun or exciting or even satisfying to see an animal moving around in it's daily life and then killing it, though I accept that it is a reality. It is a piece of people I don't understand and never will, and so I try not to think about it.
This post definitely gets a "random" label today!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Plan B
I think I must have reached my limit for wallowing in my sadness - I didn't even spend much time cursing before I was solidly into analyzing where we can go from here. And actually this is going to be a good thing. It is a motivator, it is an opportunity, and it is only 13 months... I drove home from work today with ideas to plotting out a plan and feeling really good.
Then I got home and had one last email from one of the agencies before close of business - saying that we needed to wait until June 2013 to apply, but giving me a list of things we could do to move forward and get ready in those 13 months, and then we'd be ready to hit the ground running next summer. I love it when a plan comes together!
Then I got home and had one last email from one of the agencies before close of business - saying that we needed to wait until June 2013 to apply, but giving me a list of things we could do to move forward and get ready in those 13 months, and then we'd be ready to hit the ground running next summer. I love it when a plan comes together!
Hardly inspirational!
I have an inspirationals quote-for-the-day calendar at work. Today's just pisses me off. Here is it:
NEVER GIVE UP, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Well, Harriet, I'm sorry but this does not work for me. I should continue to beat my head against a wall that I cannot change, in hopes for a different outcome? Doesn't that smack of the definition of insanity (continuing the same behavior, expecting a different outcome)? And then, if I should be so "weak" as to concede that I cannot change that brick wall and give up that particular fight, I do so knowing (according to Harriet) that things would have been different had I not given up. Guilt. Nice.
Perhaps I am viewing dear Harriet in too narrow a view. Perhaps it is meant as a "big picture" sort of view - allowing for a person to give up on one particular brick wall and seek out another way to one's goal. Maybe. But sometimes, there is no other way and sometimes one's own mental health requires concession. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you cannot continue the fight.
Yes, of course, this reaction is personal to my current situation - two of four screening applications have ruled us out because of Sean's chemical dependency history, flat out rejection without any consideration of what we might offer that could outweigh that concern. Yes, I am feeling heartbroken and defeated. What is interesting, when I step back and look at things, is that a big part of me is beating myself up for talking about this big dream I have because now that the thwarting has begun, I am feeling embarrassed at the prospect of retracting that earlier excitement and replacing it with sorrow. And that, my friends, comes right from my childhood, where the message was 'never admit you really want something because odds are you aren't going to get it and then you'll have to admit to having felt you were worthy of something that you didn't get.' If you never admit you want to reach for something, you never have to admit that you didn't get it. Just stick with the Minnesota "fine" - I feel fine, my life is fine, the world is fine - and then you'll never be disappointed. Excuse me, but I need to go spew some curse words now...
NEVER GIVE UP, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Well, Harriet, I'm sorry but this does not work for me. I should continue to beat my head against a wall that I cannot change, in hopes for a different outcome? Doesn't that smack of the definition of insanity (continuing the same behavior, expecting a different outcome)? And then, if I should be so "weak" as to concede that I cannot change that brick wall and give up that particular fight, I do so knowing (according to Harriet) that things would have been different had I not given up. Guilt. Nice.
Perhaps I am viewing dear Harriet in too narrow a view. Perhaps it is meant as a "big picture" sort of view - allowing for a person to give up on one particular brick wall and seek out another way to one's goal. Maybe. But sometimes, there is no other way and sometimes one's own mental health requires concession. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you cannot continue the fight.
Yes, of course, this reaction is personal to my current situation - two of four screening applications have ruled us out because of Sean's chemical dependency history, flat out rejection without any consideration of what we might offer that could outweigh that concern. Yes, I am feeling heartbroken and defeated. What is interesting, when I step back and look at things, is that a big part of me is beating myself up for talking about this big dream I have because now that the thwarting has begun, I am feeling embarrassed at the prospect of retracting that earlier excitement and replacing it with sorrow. And that, my friends, comes right from my childhood, where the message was 'never admit you really want something because odds are you aren't going to get it and then you'll have to admit to having felt you were worthy of something that you didn't get.' If you never admit you want to reach for something, you never have to admit that you didn't get it. Just stick with the Minnesota "fine" - I feel fine, my life is fine, the world is fine - and then you'll never be disappointed. Excuse me, but I need to go spew some curse words now...
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Music
For the past five years, I've been singing in a regional chorale which just wrapped up its 10th season in existence. I've always known how amazing it is to sing in a group of 50-60 voices and feel like I'm contributing some very small piece to this musical thing that is far and away bigger than me. And it's really a stretch for me, since I have no musical education and am, by nature, not a very left-brained person - I have learned so much about music in the last five years, and discovered that I can successfully push myself in this foreign arena. I am not much of a crier, but have been known to burst into tears while singing because my heart is just getting too big for my chest in the moment.
To celebrate the 10th season, we performed Mozart's Requiem this spring season. About 60 singers and a 20-ish piece orchestra. I know very little about music and had to assume this was a big deal when every time someone heard what we were doing they went "Ohhhhhh!" And in the performing, given that any one of us could really only hear what was going on in the little area around us, I also have to trust the director, and several musically-inclined audience members, that the combined effort was amazing. That makes me happy.
By the time we get to concert time, I am usually plenty tired of the music, plenty tired of rehearsals, and I do not look forward to putting on our "bat dresses" with all the attendant concert nonsense ... but performing is usually pretty fun. And then when it's all over, I am so very glad I did it.
Congrats to the Legacy Chorale of Greater Minnesota for another successful season, and here's to another ten years!
To celebrate the 10th season, we performed Mozart's Requiem this spring season. About 60 singers and a 20-ish piece orchestra. I know very little about music and had to assume this was a big deal when every time someone heard what we were doing they went "Ohhhhhh!" And in the performing, given that any one of us could really only hear what was going on in the little area around us, I also have to trust the director, and several musically-inclined audience members, that the combined effort was amazing. That makes me happy.
By the time we get to concert time, I am usually plenty tired of the music, plenty tired of rehearsals, and I do not look forward to putting on our "bat dresses" with all the attendant concert nonsense ... but performing is usually pretty fun. And then when it's all over, I am so very glad I did it.
Congrats to the Legacy Chorale of Greater Minnesota for another successful season, and here's to another ten years!
Monday, April 30, 2012
And we wait (Part 1)
From what I have learned about adoption, "wait" is a word that comes along very frequently. When I was pregnant with my daughters, I used to joke that this was the universe's way of teaching me about patience - you just have to WAIT. Wait wait wait...
So following the adoption fair on Saturday, we turned in our "screening application". And now we wait to see what the agency has to say about whether we qualify for any of their programs. We are interested in international adoption and domestic children, but in both instances - because we would prefer child(ren) over 3, we are open to some disabilities and even a sibling group - if we qualify, there may be a pool of waiting children since those kids can be harder to place. And because our family situation has a couple issues to overcome (and I hope we will because I truly believe we have so much to offer that it outweighs any of those issues), I also put in a couple other online screening applications with other agencies this weekend - like getting a second opinion.
And now we wait to hear what those agencies think. It is so awful to have to put out the negatives and not really have a chance to express why our strengths outweigh those negatives. And to accept that governmental bureaucracy (particularly a non-US governmental entity) may end our journey in a manner we find arbitrary. But I'm breathing (in AND out) and trying very hard to believe that if there are kids out there that are meant to find their way to us, the path will show itself.
So following the adoption fair on Saturday, we turned in our "screening application". And now we wait to see what the agency has to say about whether we qualify for any of their programs. We are interested in international adoption and domestic children, but in both instances - because we would prefer child(ren) over 3, we are open to some disabilities and even a sibling group - if we qualify, there may be a pool of waiting children since those kids can be harder to place. And because our family situation has a couple issues to overcome (and I hope we will because I truly believe we have so much to offer that it outweighs any of those issues), I also put in a couple other online screening applications with other agencies this weekend - like getting a second opinion.
And now we wait to hear what those agencies think. It is so awful to have to put out the negatives and not really have a chance to express why our strengths outweigh those negatives. And to accept that governmental bureaucracy (particularly a non-US governmental entity) may end our journey in a manner we find arbitrary. But I'm breathing (in AND out) and trying very hard to believe that if there are kids out there that are meant to find their way to us, the path will show itself.
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