Disclaimer: I am a very lucky person and a very lucky mama. Most days, I can write long long gratitude lists. Today is apparently not starting off as one of those days however, so I am going to wallow in my pity party for a moment and then, I hope, get the **** over it.
It is Mother's Day weekend and we have nothing on our agenda and the weather is gorgeous. What I wanted was to have a fun weekend with my husband and kids, maybe squeeze in a lunch with my sister, and sort of be carefree and loose all weekend. What I have gotten, so far, is squat. Perhaps even less than squat, since I had to do some housework yesterday and then when I tried to spend the afternoon browsing around some stores, the kids rebelled and were a complete pain in my backside. So instead I spent the afternoon in my chair, watching TV, and poking around on ancestry.com. That is not what I wanted to be doing.
Then my husband and my eldest go shopping. That amused me. They couldn't take my younger daughter "because she can't keep a secret". As far as I can tell, they went to Fleet Farm and I was presented with a bag of circus peanuts upon their return. On our earlier shopping trip, I had the kids pick out a hanging basket of flowers that I called my Mother's Day present. Truly, I want no present. But if you are going to buy me one, I am enough of a jerk to say it then better be a good one. A bag of circus peanuts is not a good one.
I was up by 5:30a both yesterday and today thanks to the stupid animals. I told my husband I wanted the teenage cat put in the porch overnight, in hopes that he would then not torment the dog into waking me up. And since husband is the last one to bed at night...yeah, cat has not been in porch yet. And when I hollered "***********" at 5:27a this morning when the cat had the dog barking his fool head off in the stairwell, in hopes it woudl wake my husband up and then he'd decide to get up and let me go back to sleep...yeah well, that didn't happen either.
One of my friends presented the Mother's Day quandry to me on Friday - is it about surrounding ourselves with our loved ones or getting the heck away from them all to spend the day alone? I definitely know what she's talking about. But if I were away at a spa this weekend, I'd be missing my family and itching to get the **** massage over with so I could get home. I know that about myself. I just need to wallow a little once in a while to remind myself how good I have it.
Happy Mother's Day to me, and let's hope the pity party is over!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
I was bullied...why did I make it through?
Bullying sucks. Bullying causes suicide. Bullying is just mean and unnecessary.
I was bullied. Junior high (7th-9th grade in my day) was awful. I was poked at, laughed at, never picked for teams, ignored, taunted, and had gum thrown in my hair on a team bus to a basketball game. I responded by ignoring the world, engaging in weird, anti-social behavior, and withdrawing into myself.
I remember thinking about suicide. Not really seriously but thinking about it. I remember thinking that no-one was trustworthy and that no-one cared. I developed friendships with the other misfits and was sort of a leader in that group, and oddly enough we never ever talked about how we were treated by others. I never ever talked about things like this with my parents. My mother was friends with one of the school secretaries back then and told me just a few years ago that her friend had voiced concerns that I was always alone and always seemed so sad. But my mother never really knew what to say to me about it and, if she tried, I'm sure I rebuffed her.
That was in the late 1970s.
I went to a training on Reactive Attachment Disorder and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome yesterday. In describing a day in the life of kids with RAD/FAS, the trainer (who is the most awesome speaker) was using examples folks could relate to - like those kids who were picked on and never picked for teams and isolated often because of things that no-one ever understood back in the day - like child abuse or alcoholism. These RAD/FAS kids are in a similar bind nowadays, because the world is just starting to understand some of these neurological disorders that mess kids up early in their lives and now they have to live with it. And while I could go on and on about the subject and my reactions to it, what struck me was the idea that I was that bullied kid too.
There are the bullied kids that can't take the pain another day and end their lives. There are the kids that bully those weaker than themselves. There are the bullied kids that carry that tormented kid in their souls every day for the rest of their lives.
I don't know how I ended up as functional as I am. I know that many years of living inside my own head has given me a great deal of insight into my own thought patterns, which is a good thing in some ways as I've been able to change my attitudes and recreate myself over and over. But it's also a bad thing in that it allows me to compartmentalize things and not deal with them. I carry few grudges and have forgiven myself for that weird, anti-social behavior back in the day. I actually admire the fact that my 11 year old self, when faced with a determined tormenter on the first day of 7th grade, walked into the office and asked for a new locker and simply got away from her. Who gave me that nerve? I never ever cried or showed weakness, despite some real in-your-face taunting. I would just ignore them and read my book until they went away. And when the girl a few grades older than me chucked bubble gum in my long permed hair on the bus (on the way to a ballgame), I didn't say a word. I separated all the hair I could and then got a scissors from the athletic trainers box and cut out the part with the gum in it. The bus was silent when I did that, by the way. Kind of proud of that moment too. I think I have forgiven my tormentors. I left my junior high town and school during 9th grade and rarely visited again. But over the last few years, I have reconnected with several of my old classmates on Facebook and email and I think - were I to be invited to our 30 year reunion next year - I might just go.
But I can't shake the thought that it could have been so much different for me.
I was bullied. Junior high (7th-9th grade in my day) was awful. I was poked at, laughed at, never picked for teams, ignored, taunted, and had gum thrown in my hair on a team bus to a basketball game. I responded by ignoring the world, engaging in weird, anti-social behavior, and withdrawing into myself.
I remember thinking about suicide. Not really seriously but thinking about it. I remember thinking that no-one was trustworthy and that no-one cared. I developed friendships with the other misfits and was sort of a leader in that group, and oddly enough we never ever talked about how we were treated by others. I never ever talked about things like this with my parents. My mother was friends with one of the school secretaries back then and told me just a few years ago that her friend had voiced concerns that I was always alone and always seemed so sad. But my mother never really knew what to say to me about it and, if she tried, I'm sure I rebuffed her.
That was in the late 1970s.
I went to a training on Reactive Attachment Disorder and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome yesterday. In describing a day in the life of kids with RAD/FAS, the trainer (who is the most awesome speaker) was using examples folks could relate to - like those kids who were picked on and never picked for teams and isolated often because of things that no-one ever understood back in the day - like child abuse or alcoholism. These RAD/FAS kids are in a similar bind nowadays, because the world is just starting to understand some of these neurological disorders that mess kids up early in their lives and now they have to live with it. And while I could go on and on about the subject and my reactions to it, what struck me was the idea that I was that bullied kid too.
There are the bullied kids that can't take the pain another day and end their lives. There are the kids that bully those weaker than themselves. There are the bullied kids that carry that tormented kid in their souls every day for the rest of their lives.
I don't know how I ended up as functional as I am. I know that many years of living inside my own head has given me a great deal of insight into my own thought patterns, which is a good thing in some ways as I've been able to change my attitudes and recreate myself over and over. But it's also a bad thing in that it allows me to compartmentalize things and not deal with them. I carry few grudges and have forgiven myself for that weird, anti-social behavior back in the day. I actually admire the fact that my 11 year old self, when faced with a determined tormenter on the first day of 7th grade, walked into the office and asked for a new locker and simply got away from her. Who gave me that nerve? I never ever cried or showed weakness, despite some real in-your-face taunting. I would just ignore them and read my book until they went away. And when the girl a few grades older than me chucked bubble gum in my long permed hair on the bus (on the way to a ballgame), I didn't say a word. I separated all the hair I could and then got a scissors from the athletic trainers box and cut out the part with the gum in it. The bus was silent when I did that, by the way. Kind of proud of that moment too. I think I have forgiven my tormentors. I left my junior high town and school during 9th grade and rarely visited again. But over the last few years, I have reconnected with several of my old classmates on Facebook and email and I think - were I to be invited to our 30 year reunion next year - I might just go.
But I can't shake the thought that it could have been so much different for me.
Springtime with the teenage cat...
This may be unfair of me, but I am placing a lot of blame for my morning attitude on our two year old male cat, Harry. In the past month or so, he has started with some really annoying behaviors - including howling in the foyer at night, after the girls and I have gone to bed, and teasing the dog into whining and barking by about 5 a.m. every morning. The dog is on a leash in the house and can only get to the landing on our stairway, so the cat sits at the top of the stairs, flicking his tail at the dog. This used to begin about 5:30a, then has moved up to 5a, and in the last couple days, more like 4:45a. Once I'm awake at that hour, I have very little chance of going back to sleep, even if the dog listens to my "leave it!" and stops his racket. I resent my morning routine being directed by a cat. But what frustrates me the most is that I haven't yet found a good option to manage the problem. If I put the cat in a room and shut the door, he will yowl and paw the door continuously for hours, which keeps me awake/wakes me up. If I put him in the basement, he yowls and paws the door, and I can still hear it. I may consider putting the dog's cage in the back porch, now that the weather is nice, and locking him in there...perhaps that would be far enough away from me to work...
An ADHD dog and a PITA cat ... pet life is good around here!
An ADHD dog and a PITA cat ... pet life is good around here!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Online Quizzes are freaky sometimes!
I was trolling around just now, looking for something online to give me some ideas for alternate career options ... came across some quizzes and just took the Color Quiz. I'm a little freaked out because of the following, based on my ratings of colors presented:
Anyone see any similarities to things I have recently blogged about? Holy moley! Now I must find the follow up quiz: So Now What Do I Do?
UPDATE: And then I took a Myers Briggs type free test, which claimed it had a career suggestion portion. Says I'm an ENTJ - which makes me a freaking "fieldmarshal" and says things about how I can't NOT lead and am constantly trying to eliminate bureaucratic red tape and improve efficiency and root out repeated errors. Now I'm panicking because it will suck if my endless search for satisfaction means I have to be the boss of the world ... can you imagine what an awful realization that would be?
Your Existing Situation
"Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities."Your Stress Sources
Feeling empty and isolated from others and trying to bridge the gap between herself and others. Wants to live life to the fullest and experience as much as possible. she cannot stand any restrictions or obstacles put in her way and only longs to be free.Your Desired Objective
Very active imagination and may be prone to fantasies and daydreaming. Always dreaming of interesting and exciting things to happen to her. Is a charmer and wants to be admired for that.Your Actual Problem
"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."Your Actual Problem #2
"Fears she will be held back from achieving things she really wants, leading her to search endlessly for satisfaction and become involved in activities which are pointless."Anyone see any similarities to things I have recently blogged about? Holy moley! Now I must find the follow up quiz: So Now What Do I Do?
UPDATE: And then I took a Myers Briggs type free test, which claimed it had a career suggestion portion. Says I'm an ENTJ - which makes me a freaking "fieldmarshal" and says things about how I can't NOT lead and am constantly trying to eliminate bureaucratic red tape and improve efficiency and root out repeated errors. Now I'm panicking because it will suck if my endless search for satisfaction means I have to be the boss of the world ... can you imagine what an awful realization that would be?
Monday, May 7, 2012
A to Z: The aftermath
I thought the A to Z challenge was fun! I found myself thinking of places I'd like to go, and horrifying myself with how little I knew of most of those places! And some days, I even doubled up because I couldn't decide between two letter topics. I even tried out the "schedule" function for the first time, and pre-wrote a couples posts.
This past week, without my reference letter for the day, I've been trying to figure out a new random subject generator process but haven't found it yet. I am hoping another challenge is right around the corner!
My favorite post was for letter Q - Q: things I am; things I am not.
This past week, without my reference letter for the day, I've been trying to figure out a new random subject generator process but haven't found it yet. I am hoping another challenge is right around the corner!
My favorite post was for letter Q - Q: things I am; things I am not.
Positivity
I feel the need to share some positive energy with the blog-world today, so let's see what I've got in the hopper!
I am grateful for a weekend that, while busy, was also relaxing. I spent most of it with my husband and kids, a little with my parents and sister and nieces, and even a little down time with friends. We celebrated a birthday, a prom, and a piano recital, and also spent about an hour or so (as a family) volunteering our time and a little sweat.
I got to walk the dog twice yesterday in my favorite kind of misty not-really-raining rain. Loved it. I learned that my cat, who loves to dart outside the minute he sees the chance, does not like wet grass. He turned tail and headed right back in.
I feel incredibly lucky to have a healthy family. I don't remember the last time we had to take a child in for more than a check up and I am so grateful for that.
I am so glad that I come to work every day. I may not always like what I do, but I respect and admire my co-workers, I appreciate the support we all provide for each other, and I know at the end of the day that I am being useful, that I am using the gifts I've been given, and that I have made a difference in the world through my work. That's some powerful stuff and it was all I hoped for when I went to law school.
I still have that feeling that something amazing is waiting out there for me, just beyond the horizon. I find it really amusing that I am so easily sitting back, smiling, and waiting for it. It's coming ... I have no doubt of that ... but I'm not pushing to get there sooner, or obsessing about what it will bring, or worrying myself over whether I'll recognize it when it gets here, or panicking over whether I'll be ready.
I am grateful for a weekend that, while busy, was also relaxing. I spent most of it with my husband and kids, a little with my parents and sister and nieces, and even a little down time with friends. We celebrated a birthday, a prom, and a piano recital, and also spent about an hour or so (as a family) volunteering our time and a little sweat.
I got to walk the dog twice yesterday in my favorite kind of misty not-really-raining rain. Loved it. I learned that my cat, who loves to dart outside the minute he sees the chance, does not like wet grass. He turned tail and headed right back in.
I feel incredibly lucky to have a healthy family. I don't remember the last time we had to take a child in for more than a check up and I am so grateful for that.
I am so glad that I come to work every day. I may not always like what I do, but I respect and admire my co-workers, I appreciate the support we all provide for each other, and I know at the end of the day that I am being useful, that I am using the gifts I've been given, and that I have made a difference in the world through my work. That's some powerful stuff and it was all I hoped for when I went to law school.
I still have that feeling that something amazing is waiting out there for me, just beyond the horizon. I find it really amusing that I am so easily sitting back, smiling, and waiting for it. It's coming ... I have no doubt of that ... but I'm not pushing to get there sooner, or obsessing about what it will bring, or worrying myself over whether I'll recognize it when it gets here, or panicking over whether I'll be ready.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Preview to the drama that is right around the corner!
My niece should be hitting the rack any moment now after her first prom. I live about two hours away from my sister and her kids, so I've been hearing second-hand about all the prom preparation stuff for months, but haven't actually seen any of it.
First there was the getting asked part - my niece was asked by a very nice, very tall, handsome young man of good family. Whew! The drama? He Liked her, but she didn't Like him. Uh oh ... what would she do? There was much handwringing over the dilemma of how to go and have fun without leading him on ... (the "rest of the story" on this thread is at the very bottom so keep reading!)
Then came the dress. The drama? My niece has expensive taste, I learned, when she would show me photos of the things she found on the internet. I suggested to my sister that she set a dollar figure for the parental financial contribution, and let my niece figure out where to spend it. My sister and my niece ended up going shopping one Saturday, though, and finding JUST THE THING. They were so excited.
Then came the shoes. Platform spike heels. Those were some shoes - probably added six inches. Good thing that nice boy is really tall!
Then I understand there was drama about accessories - clutch, earrings, etc. - that required much searching and shopping. As my sister said to me repeatedly over the past month - "we" want it all to be just perfect. Good thing it was all by telephone, given the number of my eye rolls.
Hair and makeup began yesterday at 7:15 a.m.! Then there was a photo op planned at noon at the local golf course for the junior class, which was really a good idea since there are lots of friend groups etc. that parents wanted pictures of. Pouring rain though, which I expected would create a lot of drama, but was surprised to find everyone just sort of handled. Then the annual car parade around the lake and back to the high school for the grand march at 4p. I was there with my sister and our parents by 3:30p. The car parade didn't show up until nearly 4:30p! It was windy and cold, and toward 5:30p (still nowhere close to over) the big fat raindrops started to fall off and on. But the kids really showed their midwestern sturdiness and they bounced on through without any visible drama.
I said over and over how glad I was that prom did not involve all this nonsense when I was in high school. Yuck! But my niece was beautiful and my sister was only marginally neurotic in her drive for "the perfect night".
Oh and I'm leaving out the interpersonal drama! Hope you are still reading because this is the really good part! So my niece was all worried about her date and that he Liked her more than she Liked him. Well, she found out a couple weeks ago that he had his eye on a new girl, perhaps even to girlfriend level, so then there was drama about whether he'd ditch my niece and go with the new girl ... and holy crap what then about the matching tie and dress! Well, he didn't ditch my niece, and the new girlfriend also has a date, and so the new girlfriend and her date were seated at the same dinner table for prom as my niece and her date. And my sister went on and on about hoping the prom date was nice and wouldn't ignore my niece, yadda yadda yadda. But then in the last few weeks my niece has also been going all blinky-blink at her good friend Joe. And apparently he was blinking back because I just learned that a week or so ago they moved in to the capital L Like arena again. But Joe wasn't going to prom but he was going to the after prom party. And Joe is friends with my niece's prom date too. So I suspect that there was plenty of couple switching going on last night. And after all that my sister was flipping out about how the prom date better not ignore my niece and all that, when he and my niece came over to talk to us after the grand march last night, what did my sister do? Promptly insist that Joe and my niece pose for a photo together (he was sitting with us) and totally ignored the very nice prom date, who looked extremely uncomfortably awkward. And then she introduced him to all of us, telling him who we all were, but then saying to us, and "this is the prom date". EYE ROLL!
Anyhow, they were then off to the dinner and dance until 11p, then to the after prom lock in party until 3a, and then to someone's house for breakfast after that. I will be interested to hear how it all went. And praying every day, over the next 7-10 years, that my daughters can sail through this in a little more low maintenance fashion, and that I do not try to re-create my own high school experience through my kids. I love my sister dearly but holy hannah, this has been a roller coaster of drama with her.
First there was the getting asked part - my niece was asked by a very nice, very tall, handsome young man of good family. Whew! The drama? He Liked her, but she didn't Like him. Uh oh ... what would she do? There was much handwringing over the dilemma of how to go and have fun without leading him on ... (the "rest of the story" on this thread is at the very bottom so keep reading!)
Then came the dress. The drama? My niece has expensive taste, I learned, when she would show me photos of the things she found on the internet. I suggested to my sister that she set a dollar figure for the parental financial contribution, and let my niece figure out where to spend it. My sister and my niece ended up going shopping one Saturday, though, and finding JUST THE THING. They were so excited.
Then came the shoes. Platform spike heels. Those were some shoes - probably added six inches. Good thing that nice boy is really tall!
Then I understand there was drama about accessories - clutch, earrings, etc. - that required much searching and shopping. As my sister said to me repeatedly over the past month - "we" want it all to be just perfect. Good thing it was all by telephone, given the number of my eye rolls.
Hair and makeup began yesterday at 7:15 a.m.! Then there was a photo op planned at noon at the local golf course for the junior class, which was really a good idea since there are lots of friend groups etc. that parents wanted pictures of. Pouring rain though, which I expected would create a lot of drama, but was surprised to find everyone just sort of handled. Then the annual car parade around the lake and back to the high school for the grand march at 4p. I was there with my sister and our parents by 3:30p. The car parade didn't show up until nearly 4:30p! It was windy and cold, and toward 5:30p (still nowhere close to over) the big fat raindrops started to fall off and on. But the kids really showed their midwestern sturdiness and they bounced on through without any visible drama.
I said over and over how glad I was that prom did not involve all this nonsense when I was in high school. Yuck! But my niece was beautiful and my sister was only marginally neurotic in her drive for "the perfect night".
Oh and I'm leaving out the interpersonal drama! Hope you are still reading because this is the really good part! So my niece was all worried about her date and that he Liked her more than she Liked him. Well, she found out a couple weeks ago that he had his eye on a new girl, perhaps even to girlfriend level, so then there was drama about whether he'd ditch my niece and go with the new girl ... and holy crap what then about the matching tie and dress! Well, he didn't ditch my niece, and the new girlfriend also has a date, and so the new girlfriend and her date were seated at the same dinner table for prom as my niece and her date. And my sister went on and on about hoping the prom date was nice and wouldn't ignore my niece, yadda yadda yadda. But then in the last few weeks my niece has also been going all blinky-blink at her good friend Joe. And apparently he was blinking back because I just learned that a week or so ago they moved in to the capital L Like arena again. But Joe wasn't going to prom but he was going to the after prom party. And Joe is friends with my niece's prom date too. So I suspect that there was plenty of couple switching going on last night. And after all that my sister was flipping out about how the prom date better not ignore my niece and all that, when he and my niece came over to talk to us after the grand march last night, what did my sister do? Promptly insist that Joe and my niece pose for a photo together (he was sitting with us) and totally ignored the very nice prom date, who looked extremely uncomfortably awkward. And then she introduced him to all of us, telling him who we all were, but then saying to us, and "this is the prom date". EYE ROLL!
Anyhow, they were then off to the dinner and dance until 11p, then to the after prom lock in party until 3a, and then to someone's house for breakfast after that. I will be interested to hear how it all went. And praying every day, over the next 7-10 years, that my daughters can sail through this in a little more low maintenance fashion, and that I do not try to re-create my own high school experience through my kids. I love my sister dearly but holy hannah, this has been a roller coaster of drama with her.
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