My mother in law is dying. We visited her over Christmas, spent 2 days at the nursing home with her, and had to deal with goodbyes that included "this is the last time I'll see you". My daughters were distraught. My husband was ... well, given the kids' reactions, we didn't get to talk a lot about him.
To back up a minute, let me tell you that my mother in law is a pretty horrible woman. She damaged her children over the course of their childhoods and continued the damage and manipulation into their adult lives. When I came into the picture and started introducing my husband to the concepts of boundaries and non-engagement in family triangulation, it pissed his mom off to no end. Between that and the fact that I married her only son, the Crown Prince, I assumed she would hate me. But for some unknown reason, she adored me. I used to joke that when she came to visit she acted like she wanted to sit on my lap and pet me. That was never going to happen but I was polite, I was kind, and I maintained my boundaries. She would lay into my husband, she would say horrible things to him in person or on the phone, but nothing in front of me.
Over the past ten years, her physical condition has gone downhill - some undefined neuropathy started in her feet and has traveled up her body, and started compromising her speech. Earlier this year they finally diagnosed her with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). Finally, my father in law's doctors convinced him he couldn't be her 24/7 caregiver any longer and she went to a nursing home. She only has some minimal control of her left hand now and has almost entirely lost her ability to speak. And she is hugely frustrated with that. Which I understand. If I had my brain but no ability to engage with anyone, my head would explode. And it is a perfect example of karma biting a person in their ass as my mother in law has done so much damage with her words over her lifetime that this is a particularly cruel end.
And so, she now has a respiratory infection and is not expected to last the night. It would be a merciful end. Quite frankly, based on our time there over Christmas, I think she'd agree that it's time to go. It has made me think about life and death and our perceptions of the terminally ill - we all feel bad for her, no doubt, but we also assume all these sweet and nostalgic feelings coming out of her. But I was reminded that her mind is just as it always was when she whined and cried at nurses when she wasn't getting what she wanted, when she yelled at my father in law for having the nerve to talk to someone else while she was talking to my husband and me, and she glared or rolled her eyes at certain times when she didn't like what was being said to her. The horrible woman is still in there. And yet I feel compassion for her. So I rubbed her legs and held her hand and talked to her for two full days, and I hope her time on earth in this condition is as pain free as possible and short.
Two days observing the world in a nursing home and all the thoughts that were triggered about my own opinions about end of life matters, combined with all the complicated feelings that swirl in my husband's family gave me a lot to think about. I am not nearly proficient enough in deep talk to express how all this makes me feel, but I'm convinced there is nothing that is black and white in this world. Even life and death exist in shades of gray.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Sunday, January 20, 2013
New addition to the family...
Any who have read my blog from the beginning will recall that Sean and I were seriously considering adopting another child. Due to some personal circumstances, we found we wouldn't be able to proceed until June 2013, so it kind of went on the back burner for a while. And in that time I realized a few things.
First, I had to accept that I was wholly overwhelmed with my life as it is right now. My girls are starting to have more and more outside activities, my younger daughter is on the ASD spectrum which results in some real struggles for all of us, and the reality is that any additional stress, I might just explode. And additional stress came last summer, in the form of a huge work shift. One of my co-workers left for another job and his entire case load ended up on my desk. There was good in that, and I did well with it, but it left me with absolutely no emotional reservoir.
I don't like to admit the work "overwhelmed" ever has any bearing on my life. I take great personal pride in being able to get through anything - one of my huge "walls" is to never let anyone see me sweat. Good Germanic and Scandahoovian martyrdom and stiff upper lip b.s. and all that, you know. It's bred into me. But I did admit it ultimately to myself this time.
And so the dream of adopting a child is over. Those children need homes, and I greatly admire those who provide the homes and the amazing care that these kids need to deal with their pasts and their futures, but my children had dibs on me first and my obligation to them does not allow me to dilute myself beyond my limits. I'd love to think I could do it all but that is not being honest with myself. On a happier note, once I did figure it out, it took a lot of pressure off. There is a certain amount of deep breathing that comes with accepting yourself as you are, you know?
And our family then took a leap: in October we adopted a second dog. I have never had a second dog in my life, so that was an interesting prospect. The dog we adopted, Copper, is a greyhound, rescued from a racetrack breeding farm in Kansas. He must have been slow or something, because he never made it to the track, which is maybe a good things for him (conditions at the track are worse than those at the farms). The thing about these rescued greyhounds is that they know nothing of family life, living in a house, or floors other than dirt and concrete. Copper lived with thousands of other hounds in outdoor pens and kennels. He was terrified by the door to our house and cars and mailboxes, we had to teach him to walk up and down stairs, and he still (3 months later) is spooked by new people, loud noises and shadows on the walls. But he is sweet and sometimes playful and we have high hopes that he will continue to socialize and develop his personality. Thankfully, he and Lucky took to each other right off.
We are a well balanced household now - 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs; 4 males, 4 females. I hope we are also on our way to balancing everyone's emotional needs, activities, and obligations - or at least I think we are and I'm optimistic.
First, I had to accept that I was wholly overwhelmed with my life as it is right now. My girls are starting to have more and more outside activities, my younger daughter is on the ASD spectrum which results in some real struggles for all of us, and the reality is that any additional stress, I might just explode. And additional stress came last summer, in the form of a huge work shift. One of my co-workers left for another job and his entire case load ended up on my desk. There was good in that, and I did well with it, but it left me with absolutely no emotional reservoir.
I don't like to admit the work "overwhelmed" ever has any bearing on my life. I take great personal pride in being able to get through anything - one of my huge "walls" is to never let anyone see me sweat. Good Germanic and Scandahoovian martyrdom and stiff upper lip b.s. and all that, you know. It's bred into me. But I did admit it ultimately to myself this time.
And so the dream of adopting a child is over. Those children need homes, and I greatly admire those who provide the homes and the amazing care that these kids need to deal with their pasts and their futures, but my children had dibs on me first and my obligation to them does not allow me to dilute myself beyond my limits. I'd love to think I could do it all but that is not being honest with myself. On a happier note, once I did figure it out, it took a lot of pressure off. There is a certain amount of deep breathing that comes with accepting yourself as you are, you know?
And our family then took a leap: in October we adopted a second dog. I have never had a second dog in my life, so that was an interesting prospect. The dog we adopted, Copper, is a greyhound, rescued from a racetrack breeding farm in Kansas. He must have been slow or something, because he never made it to the track, which is maybe a good things for him (conditions at the track are worse than those at the farms). The thing about these rescued greyhounds is that they know nothing of family life, living in a house, or floors other than dirt and concrete. Copper lived with thousands of other hounds in outdoor pens and kennels. He was terrified by the door to our house and cars and mailboxes, we had to teach him to walk up and down stairs, and he still (3 months later) is spooked by new people, loud noises and shadows on the walls. But he is sweet and sometimes playful and we have high hopes that he will continue to socialize and develop his personality. Thankfully, he and Lucky took to each other right off.
We are a well balanced household now - 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs; 4 males, 4 females. I hope we are also on our way to balancing everyone's emotional needs, activities, and obligations - or at least I think we are and I'm optimistic.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
Went to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green today. Sweet movie that we all enjoyed a great deal. But as a person who has had 4 miscarriages - - I will admit to you that I cried like a baby in the beginning of the movie, as the parents describe "their child" and put the descriptions in the box. Oh amen! I've so been there. Despite my attempts to not engage in it, I went from positive pregnancy test to guessing at gender and thinking about names and calculating due date and maternity leave to high school graduation and thoughts of the future for each and every one of those pregnancies. And then as soon as I had each of my miscarriages, I purged all those pertinent dates and thoughts from my brain. It hasn't been that long, and I couldn't tell you a single one of my then-thwarted due dates or anything. Internal defenses to certain events are an interesting thing.
On the way home from the movie, both my kids started crying about our dog that died a couple years ago. How they miss her, wondering where she is buried (btw, if anyone has an explanation for I explain allowing a family pet to be cremated by the vet's office that might make sense to a 9 year old, I'm all ears), and how life isn't fair. Oh ain't that the truth, children! They had me crying too.
A much different vibe than our usual movie trips, but really a lovely movie.
On the way home from the movie, both my kids started crying about our dog that died a couple years ago. How they miss her, wondering where she is buried (btw, if anyone has an explanation for I explain allowing a family pet to be cremated by the vet's office that might make sense to a 9 year old, I'm all ears), and how life isn't fair. Oh ain't that the truth, children! They had me crying too.
A much different vibe than our usual movie trips, but really a lovely movie.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
That's some high water!
We were hanging around St. Cloud, MN yesterday and happened to go down to the dam, where the Mighty Mississippi is still showing the effects of all the flooding in northern Minnesota over the past three weeks. The Mississippi is still really high in Brainerd and the neighboring counties, including where I work, were declared a federal disaster last week, so it's apparent that flooding was significant this year. It was interesting to see how high and wild the water was still running here, many miles downriver.
It was a gorgeous day. I went to college for two years right across the river from where we were, and yet had never been to the dam, or anywhere on the south side of the bridge. We walked to the north side of the bridge and through the Munsinger gardens and enjoyed some beautiful flowers and really friendly ducks. Wish we'd had some bread for them.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Happy Father's Day!
We're away for the weekend, so this post is coming to you from the Country Inn & Suites in my parents' hometown. I went to high school nearby and lived in this town for six or seven years before we moved to our current home, so visiting here does feeling like being "back home" and it's nice to hang for the weekend. It is especially nice to have reached a point where I can feel no guilt about booking a hotel - give us some space (and a pool!) and give my parents some space.
A few months I wrote a post about my dad (here) and then last week I saw a writing suggestion to write something about what you learned from your dad. Well, let me just say that my dad was full of rules and slogans growing up - all the musts and shoulds you can imagine. And while I have been a mouthy and questioning person since birth, I think I managed to quell much of it for years. But long about my 30s, I really got over all that "should" stuff. It is difficult to guilt me into much of anything now. Oh I still do a lot of the same stuff, but I do it because I want to, because I want to be part of this bigger thing called family and hometown and community - I don't do it because anyone else will look at me funny if I don't.
As for my dad, in my 30s I moved to the town where they live and saw my folks a lot. We went to the same church and sang in the same church choir. And my dad was totally naughty and disrespectful at choir rehearsal - talking and not paying attention. If I had done that in my childhood and been caught by my dad (and I was a few times), I would have been dragged out by my ear and lectured for what felt like days. And so, being the good oppositional child I was raised to be, I would turn around at choir rehearsal and hiss at him "show some respect!" and when he would complain about this or that at church I would shrug and say "you get out of it what you put into it"...and he would sputter and glare at me, but what could he say since those were his own words coming back to haunt him! Good fun, particularly since I seem to have inherited all my dad's crotchety genes!
But the Number One Life Lesson I learned from my dad is what I mentioned in the earlier post - when I had my car accident in 1985 and totalled his car: who gives a goddamn about the car, what is important is whether my loved one is OK. I joke sometimes that the only real lessons that get through to me are the ones delivered with a 2x4 like a car accident - but let's talk about a clear lesson about priorities in life. If your kids and loved ones are OK, then life is good. The rest will sort itself out.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. I am grateful every day that you is still here to hug and harass and mutter about.
A few months I wrote a post about my dad (here) and then last week I saw a writing suggestion to write something about what you learned from your dad. Well, let me just say that my dad was full of rules and slogans growing up - all the musts and shoulds you can imagine. And while I have been a mouthy and questioning person since birth, I think I managed to quell much of it for years. But long about my 30s, I really got over all that "should" stuff. It is difficult to guilt me into much of anything now. Oh I still do a lot of the same stuff, but I do it because I want to, because I want to be part of this bigger thing called family and hometown and community - I don't do it because anyone else will look at me funny if I don't.
As for my dad, in my 30s I moved to the town where they live and saw my folks a lot. We went to the same church and sang in the same church choir. And my dad was totally naughty and disrespectful at choir rehearsal - talking and not paying attention. If I had done that in my childhood and been caught by my dad (and I was a few times), I would have been dragged out by my ear and lectured for what felt like days. And so, being the good oppositional child I was raised to be, I would turn around at choir rehearsal and hiss at him "show some respect!" and when he would complain about this or that at church I would shrug and say "you get out of it what you put into it"...and he would sputter and glare at me, but what could he say since those were his own words coming back to haunt him! Good fun, particularly since I seem to have inherited all my dad's crotchety genes!
But the Number One Life Lesson I learned from my dad is what I mentioned in the earlier post - when I had my car accident in 1985 and totalled his car: who gives a goddamn about the car, what is important is whether my loved one is OK. I joke sometimes that the only real lessons that get through to me are the ones delivered with a 2x4 like a car accident - but let's talk about a clear lesson about priorities in life. If your kids and loved ones are OK, then life is good. The rest will sort itself out.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. I am grateful every day that you is still here to hug and harass and mutter about.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
He baked a cake!
I came home from work yesterday and found that my husband had baked a cake! He got his one year medallion at his home meeting last night and baked a cake to take along. Just two weeks ago, the girls wanted to make a pan of some rice krispie bar type treat and he gamely gave it a go. I asked him if he had ever made anything like that before - nope. So I asked him about the cake - ever done that before? Nope. I think he was a little proud of himself! In the past, he'd just buy treats at the grocery store ... I have to wonder what has come over him. He just shrugged when I asked. It makes me smile, whatever it is.
Monday, June 11, 2012
It's a Gift
This summer, my husband is not working. At least he is not employed outside the home. He hasn't been working for a year, as of yesterday. I think we sort of coasted through the school year - with both kids gone for eight hours a day and many evening activities. Summer hung out there like a big "oh my hannah, what are we going to do with that?"
I know that it has only been a week, but it is a gift. What a great experience for Sean and for the girls - to have the ability for the first time to send the kids to community ed classes or summer school, and to look forward to afternoons with various activities! I tried to help out with some organization - for instance, on the weekend we plan out lunches for the week and make sure we have the needed items on hand, so it is easy (and so that fast food doesn't seem any "easier"). We also have a chore list and the girls were really good about getting things done, and even learning to do new things like their laundry or loading the dishwasher. We even made a list of "exercise" activities they should try to do every week, and we have a list of possible afternoon activities like the library or the beach or the park or local county museums for those days when they need to get out of the house. Everyone has really had a great reaction to using all these ideas to live through the "no screens before 4 p.m." rule. They even maintain the no screens rule on the weekends and we're all learning what other things one can do when not staring at the television or a computer screen!
Today, Sean posted on Facebook that he covered the kids with bug spray (the mosquitoes are just thick and vicious right now) and gave them a hose - they are making mud in the front yard. Good for them all! Yesterday, they were on the trampoline with a sprinkler on under it - they came in covered with water, dead mosquitoes, sweat and schmuck from the trees and leaves and grass - and they ball out there for well over an hour. Summer vacation should include plenty of time to get muddy, shouldn't it?
This may be the only summer in their lives when these girls have the chance to just screw around at home, between various activities - Sean will be back to work by the end of the year I'm sure - and hope that he and the kids both look back fondly on this as a grand adventure!
I know that it has only been a week, but it is a gift. What a great experience for Sean and for the girls - to have the ability for the first time to send the kids to community ed classes or summer school, and to look forward to afternoons with various activities! I tried to help out with some organization - for instance, on the weekend we plan out lunches for the week and make sure we have the needed items on hand, so it is easy (and so that fast food doesn't seem any "easier"). We also have a chore list and the girls were really good about getting things done, and even learning to do new things like their laundry or loading the dishwasher. We even made a list of "exercise" activities they should try to do every week, and we have a list of possible afternoon activities like the library or the beach or the park or local county museums for those days when they need to get out of the house. Everyone has really had a great reaction to using all these ideas to live through the "no screens before 4 p.m." rule. They even maintain the no screens rule on the weekends and we're all learning what other things one can do when not staring at the television or a computer screen!
Today, Sean posted on Facebook that he covered the kids with bug spray (the mosquitoes are just thick and vicious right now) and gave them a hose - they are making mud in the front yard. Good for them all! Yesterday, they were on the trampoline with a sprinkler on under it - they came in covered with water, dead mosquitoes, sweat and schmuck from the trees and leaves and grass - and they ball out there for well over an hour. Summer vacation should include plenty of time to get muddy, shouldn't it?
This may be the only summer in their lives when these girls have the chance to just screw around at home, between various activities - Sean will be back to work by the end of the year I'm sure - and hope that he and the kids both look back fondly on this as a grand adventure!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I love my sister!
First trip to my hometown area of the month - 2 more to go. This was just a quickie - chance to spend a little quality time with my sister and nieces, and lend a little moral support to my parents who had a moving sale/garage sale, in preparation for what they hope will be a move from their home of the last 20 years to a condo on the golf course across town. We picked a gorgeous day to hang out and had a great day. It is so re-charging for me to hang with my sister, particularly when we don't have any big things going on. I'm so excited that I'll be seeing her for good chunks of time on three weekends this month.
Tomorrow we have to map out the kids week at home. Focus on outdoor activities and avoiding screen-time. I'm hoping that if we have an organized plan for the kids - with a good balance of small chore and other more fun things - life will run smoothly and without a lot of stress for Sean. I'd like him to enjoy this opportunity of being a SAHD as much as possible, even as he has his eye on going back to work soon.
And then it's back to the races for another week.
Tomorrow we have to map out the kids week at home. Focus on outdoor activities and avoiding screen-time. I'm hoping that if we have an organized plan for the kids - with a good balance of small chore and other more fun things - life will run smoothly and without a lot of stress for Sean. I'd like him to enjoy this opportunity of being a SAHD as much as possible, even as he has his eye on going back to work soon.
And then it's back to the races for another week.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Welcome to June!
Today is June 1. My girls finished school yesterday - can't believe I now have a 2nd and 4th grader! What a great year they had in school. How jealous am I (every year) of summer vacation. My younger daughter asked me the other day "Mommy, when is your last day of work?" Oh how I wish!
On the other hand, my husband the SAHD is now on full-time daddy duty. I don't really envy that either. I'm pretty excited though, because this is the first summer that we've been able to sign the kids up for community ed activities since taxi-dad is one of Sean's SAHD duties. Brooke gets 2 rounds of summer school this summer, Jordan is taking 3 different community ed courses, and they both can do vacation Bible school at church this year. And hopefully we can figure out activities and "field trips" and even some math skills time to keep them all busy (and off the electronic screens) this summer.
But it is always an adjustment for me to get up and get ready for work while everyone else sleeps. Why oh why did I not become a teacher, so I could have the thrill of "last day of school!!!" and then the anticipation in a few months of "first day of school!!!" Happy summer vacation everyone!
On the other hand, my husband the SAHD is now on full-time daddy duty. I don't really envy that either. I'm pretty excited though, because this is the first summer that we've been able to sign the kids up for community ed activities since taxi-dad is one of Sean's SAHD duties. Brooke gets 2 rounds of summer school this summer, Jordan is taking 3 different community ed courses, and they both can do vacation Bible school at church this year. And hopefully we can figure out activities and "field trips" and even some math skills time to keep them all busy (and off the electronic screens) this summer.
But it is always an adjustment for me to get up and get ready for work while everyone else sleeps. Why oh why did I not become a teacher, so I could have the thrill of "last day of school!!!" and then the anticipation in a few months of "first day of school!!!" Happy summer vacation everyone!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Preview to the drama that is right around the corner!
My niece should be hitting the rack any moment now after her first prom. I live about two hours away from my sister and her kids, so I've been hearing second-hand about all the prom preparation stuff for months, but haven't actually seen any of it.
First there was the getting asked part - my niece was asked by a very nice, very tall, handsome young man of good family. Whew! The drama? He Liked her, but she didn't Like him. Uh oh ... what would she do? There was much handwringing over the dilemma of how to go and have fun without leading him on ... (the "rest of the story" on this thread is at the very bottom so keep reading!)
Then came the dress. The drama? My niece has expensive taste, I learned, when she would show me photos of the things she found on the internet. I suggested to my sister that she set a dollar figure for the parental financial contribution, and let my niece figure out where to spend it. My sister and my niece ended up going shopping one Saturday, though, and finding JUST THE THING. They were so excited.
Then came the shoes. Platform spike heels. Those were some shoes - probably added six inches. Good thing that nice boy is really tall!
Then I understand there was drama about accessories - clutch, earrings, etc. - that required much searching and shopping. As my sister said to me repeatedly over the past month - "we" want it all to be just perfect. Good thing it was all by telephone, given the number of my eye rolls.
Hair and makeup began yesterday at 7:15 a.m.! Then there was a photo op planned at noon at the local golf course for the junior class, which was really a good idea since there are lots of friend groups etc. that parents wanted pictures of. Pouring rain though, which I expected would create a lot of drama, but was surprised to find everyone just sort of handled. Then the annual car parade around the lake and back to the high school for the grand march at 4p. I was there with my sister and our parents by 3:30p. The car parade didn't show up until nearly 4:30p! It was windy and cold, and toward 5:30p (still nowhere close to over) the big fat raindrops started to fall off and on. But the kids really showed their midwestern sturdiness and they bounced on through without any visible drama.
I said over and over how glad I was that prom did not involve all this nonsense when I was in high school. Yuck! But my niece was beautiful and my sister was only marginally neurotic in her drive for "the perfect night".
Oh and I'm leaving out the interpersonal drama! Hope you are still reading because this is the really good part! So my niece was all worried about her date and that he Liked her more than she Liked him. Well, she found out a couple weeks ago that he had his eye on a new girl, perhaps even to girlfriend level, so then there was drama about whether he'd ditch my niece and go with the new girl ... and holy crap what then about the matching tie and dress! Well, he didn't ditch my niece, and the new girlfriend also has a date, and so the new girlfriend and her date were seated at the same dinner table for prom as my niece and her date. And my sister went on and on about hoping the prom date was nice and wouldn't ignore my niece, yadda yadda yadda. But then in the last few weeks my niece has also been going all blinky-blink at her good friend Joe. And apparently he was blinking back because I just learned that a week or so ago they moved in to the capital L Like arena again. But Joe wasn't going to prom but he was going to the after prom party. And Joe is friends with my niece's prom date too. So I suspect that there was plenty of couple switching going on last night. And after all that my sister was flipping out about how the prom date better not ignore my niece and all that, when he and my niece came over to talk to us after the grand march last night, what did my sister do? Promptly insist that Joe and my niece pose for a photo together (he was sitting with us) and totally ignored the very nice prom date, who looked extremely uncomfortably awkward. And then she introduced him to all of us, telling him who we all were, but then saying to us, and "this is the prom date". EYE ROLL!
Anyhow, they were then off to the dinner and dance until 11p, then to the after prom lock in party until 3a, and then to someone's house for breakfast after that. I will be interested to hear how it all went. And praying every day, over the next 7-10 years, that my daughters can sail through this in a little more low maintenance fashion, and that I do not try to re-create my own high school experience through my kids. I love my sister dearly but holy hannah, this has been a roller coaster of drama with her.
First there was the getting asked part - my niece was asked by a very nice, very tall, handsome young man of good family. Whew! The drama? He Liked her, but she didn't Like him. Uh oh ... what would she do? There was much handwringing over the dilemma of how to go and have fun without leading him on ... (the "rest of the story" on this thread is at the very bottom so keep reading!)
Then came the dress. The drama? My niece has expensive taste, I learned, when she would show me photos of the things she found on the internet. I suggested to my sister that she set a dollar figure for the parental financial contribution, and let my niece figure out where to spend it. My sister and my niece ended up going shopping one Saturday, though, and finding JUST THE THING. They were so excited.
Then came the shoes. Platform spike heels. Those were some shoes - probably added six inches. Good thing that nice boy is really tall!
Then I understand there was drama about accessories - clutch, earrings, etc. - that required much searching and shopping. As my sister said to me repeatedly over the past month - "we" want it all to be just perfect. Good thing it was all by telephone, given the number of my eye rolls.
Hair and makeup began yesterday at 7:15 a.m.! Then there was a photo op planned at noon at the local golf course for the junior class, which was really a good idea since there are lots of friend groups etc. that parents wanted pictures of. Pouring rain though, which I expected would create a lot of drama, but was surprised to find everyone just sort of handled. Then the annual car parade around the lake and back to the high school for the grand march at 4p. I was there with my sister and our parents by 3:30p. The car parade didn't show up until nearly 4:30p! It was windy and cold, and toward 5:30p (still nowhere close to over) the big fat raindrops started to fall off and on. But the kids really showed their midwestern sturdiness and they bounced on through without any visible drama.
I said over and over how glad I was that prom did not involve all this nonsense when I was in high school. Yuck! But my niece was beautiful and my sister was only marginally neurotic in her drive for "the perfect night".
Oh and I'm leaving out the interpersonal drama! Hope you are still reading because this is the really good part! So my niece was all worried about her date and that he Liked her more than she Liked him. Well, she found out a couple weeks ago that he had his eye on a new girl, perhaps even to girlfriend level, so then there was drama about whether he'd ditch my niece and go with the new girl ... and holy crap what then about the matching tie and dress! Well, he didn't ditch my niece, and the new girlfriend also has a date, and so the new girlfriend and her date were seated at the same dinner table for prom as my niece and her date. And my sister went on and on about hoping the prom date was nice and wouldn't ignore my niece, yadda yadda yadda. But then in the last few weeks my niece has also been going all blinky-blink at her good friend Joe. And apparently he was blinking back because I just learned that a week or so ago they moved in to the capital L Like arena again. But Joe wasn't going to prom but he was going to the after prom party. And Joe is friends with my niece's prom date too. So I suspect that there was plenty of couple switching going on last night. And after all that my sister was flipping out about how the prom date better not ignore my niece and all that, when he and my niece came over to talk to us after the grand march last night, what did my sister do? Promptly insist that Joe and my niece pose for a photo together (he was sitting with us) and totally ignored the very nice prom date, who looked extremely uncomfortably awkward. And then she introduced him to all of us, telling him who we all were, but then saying to us, and "this is the prom date". EYE ROLL!
Anyhow, they were then off to the dinner and dance until 11p, then to the after prom lock in party until 3a, and then to someone's house for breakfast after that. I will be interested to hear how it all went. And praying every day, over the next 7-10 years, that my daughters can sail through this in a little more low maintenance fashion, and that I do not try to re-create my own high school experience through my kids. I love my sister dearly but holy hannah, this has been a roller coaster of drama with her.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Hardly inspirational!
I have an inspirationals quote-for-the-day calendar at work. Today's just pisses me off. Here is it:
NEVER GIVE UP, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Well, Harriet, I'm sorry but this does not work for me. I should continue to beat my head against a wall that I cannot change, in hopes for a different outcome? Doesn't that smack of the definition of insanity (continuing the same behavior, expecting a different outcome)? And then, if I should be so "weak" as to concede that I cannot change that brick wall and give up that particular fight, I do so knowing (according to Harriet) that things would have been different had I not given up. Guilt. Nice.
Perhaps I am viewing dear Harriet in too narrow a view. Perhaps it is meant as a "big picture" sort of view - allowing for a person to give up on one particular brick wall and seek out another way to one's goal. Maybe. But sometimes, there is no other way and sometimes one's own mental health requires concession. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you cannot continue the fight.
Yes, of course, this reaction is personal to my current situation - two of four screening applications have ruled us out because of Sean's chemical dependency history, flat out rejection without any consideration of what we might offer that could outweigh that concern. Yes, I am feeling heartbroken and defeated. What is interesting, when I step back and look at things, is that a big part of me is beating myself up for talking about this big dream I have because now that the thwarting has begun, I am feeling embarrassed at the prospect of retracting that earlier excitement and replacing it with sorrow. And that, my friends, comes right from my childhood, where the message was 'never admit you really want something because odds are you aren't going to get it and then you'll have to admit to having felt you were worthy of something that you didn't get.' If you never admit you want to reach for something, you never have to admit that you didn't get it. Just stick with the Minnesota "fine" - I feel fine, my life is fine, the world is fine - and then you'll never be disappointed. Excuse me, but I need to go spew some curse words now...
NEVER GIVE UP, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Well, Harriet, I'm sorry but this does not work for me. I should continue to beat my head against a wall that I cannot change, in hopes for a different outcome? Doesn't that smack of the definition of insanity (continuing the same behavior, expecting a different outcome)? And then, if I should be so "weak" as to concede that I cannot change that brick wall and give up that particular fight, I do so knowing (according to Harriet) that things would have been different had I not given up. Guilt. Nice.
Perhaps I am viewing dear Harriet in too narrow a view. Perhaps it is meant as a "big picture" sort of view - allowing for a person to give up on one particular brick wall and seek out another way to one's goal. Maybe. But sometimes, there is no other way and sometimes one's own mental health requires concession. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you cannot continue the fight.
Yes, of course, this reaction is personal to my current situation - two of four screening applications have ruled us out because of Sean's chemical dependency history, flat out rejection without any consideration of what we might offer that could outweigh that concern. Yes, I am feeling heartbroken and defeated. What is interesting, when I step back and look at things, is that a big part of me is beating myself up for talking about this big dream I have because now that the thwarting has begun, I am feeling embarrassed at the prospect of retracting that earlier excitement and replacing it with sorrow. And that, my friends, comes right from my childhood, where the message was 'never admit you really want something because odds are you aren't going to get it and then you'll have to admit to having felt you were worthy of something that you didn't get.' If you never admit you want to reach for something, you never have to admit that you didn't get it. Just stick with the Minnesota "fine" - I feel fine, my life is fine, the world is fine - and then you'll never be disappointed. Excuse me, but I need to go spew some curse words now...
Monday, April 30, 2012
And we wait (Part 1)
From what I have learned about adoption, "wait" is a word that comes along very frequently. When I was pregnant with my daughters, I used to joke that this was the universe's way of teaching me about patience - you just have to WAIT. Wait wait wait...
So following the adoption fair on Saturday, we turned in our "screening application". And now we wait to see what the agency has to say about whether we qualify for any of their programs. We are interested in international adoption and domestic children, but in both instances - because we would prefer child(ren) over 3, we are open to some disabilities and even a sibling group - if we qualify, there may be a pool of waiting children since those kids can be harder to place. And because our family situation has a couple issues to overcome (and I hope we will because I truly believe we have so much to offer that it outweighs any of those issues), I also put in a couple other online screening applications with other agencies this weekend - like getting a second opinion.
And now we wait to hear what those agencies think. It is so awful to have to put out the negatives and not really have a chance to express why our strengths outweigh those negatives. And to accept that governmental bureaucracy (particularly a non-US governmental entity) may end our journey in a manner we find arbitrary. But I'm breathing (in AND out) and trying very hard to believe that if there are kids out there that are meant to find their way to us, the path will show itself.
So following the adoption fair on Saturday, we turned in our "screening application". And now we wait to see what the agency has to say about whether we qualify for any of their programs. We are interested in international adoption and domestic children, but in both instances - because we would prefer child(ren) over 3, we are open to some disabilities and even a sibling group - if we qualify, there may be a pool of waiting children since those kids can be harder to place. And because our family situation has a couple issues to overcome (and I hope we will because I truly believe we have so much to offer that it outweighs any of those issues), I also put in a couple other online screening applications with other agencies this weekend - like getting a second opinion.
And now we wait to hear what those agencies think. It is so awful to have to put out the negatives and not really have a chance to express why our strengths outweigh those negatives. And to accept that governmental bureaucracy (particularly a non-US governmental entity) may end our journey in a manner we find arbitrary. But I'm breathing (in AND out) and trying very hard to believe that if there are kids out there that are meant to find their way to us, the path will show itself.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
More on the crossroads...
I posted a few weeks ago about how Sean and I were perched on a precipice - considering a very big leap for our family. That post was here.
Yesterday, I flippantly wrote a post about "our" vasectomy, which included discussion of our unsuccessful quest to add to our family. That post was here.
And today I am feeling the need to ask for a little something - support, understanding, prayer, what have you - for our flying leap.
Here's the deal: this Saturday we are attending an Adoption Fair by a large adoption agency in our state. Following the open house Fair, we are going to the required "informational meeting", and then I anticipate we will be handing over our screening application. I am so excited I could squeal at the drop of a hat (which would not be normal behavior for me). And at the same time, there is a lot that I am nervous about. Sean's addiction history is probably the biggest red flag that we have, and different agencies (and countries if we end up pursuing international adoption) have different requirements when it comes to major medical or addiction histories. The more I look into adoption, the more I know this is a path I've been meant for. And I know that adoption comes with lots of ups and downs and unexpected complications, so I am trying to remain hopeful and in the moment, rather than worrying about all the possible setbacks. We will know a LOT more about what the future holds after Saturday.
In the meantime, let's all breathe together: In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4-, In-2-3-4 ...
Yesterday, I flippantly wrote a post about "our" vasectomy, which included discussion of our unsuccessful quest to add to our family. That post was here.
And today I am feeling the need to ask for a little something - support, understanding, prayer, what have you - for our flying leap.
Here's the deal: this Saturday we are attending an Adoption Fair by a large adoption agency in our state. Following the open house Fair, we are going to the required "informational meeting", and then I anticipate we will be handing over our screening application. I am so excited I could squeal at the drop of a hat (which would not be normal behavior for me). And at the same time, there is a lot that I am nervous about. Sean's addiction history is probably the biggest red flag that we have, and different agencies (and countries if we end up pursuing international adoption) have different requirements when it comes to major medical or addiction histories. The more I look into adoption, the more I know this is a path I've been meant for. And I know that adoption comes with lots of ups and downs and unexpected complications, so I am trying to remain hopeful and in the moment, rather than worrying about all the possible setbacks. We will know a LOT more about what the future holds after Saturday.
In the meantime, let's all breathe together: In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4-, In-2-3-4 ...
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
O: OFFS!
Just hit publish on my post, only to realize I doubled up on "N"! Totally thought I hadn't done "N" yet...ah well...I like them both, so both will stay. Poo on the rules.
And that little goof up was also confirmation about what my "O" post would be. But let me first warn you that I have the mouth of a sailor and have really curtailed my cursing in this blog in an effort to be more polite. So this post is definitely into PG-13 land. You've been warned.
My sister is the queen of personal acronyms, in an attempt to not swear in front of her children. An early favorite of hers was OFCOL! (and she would say it o.f.c.o.l., not as a word), which of course meant "oh for crying out loud!" These were not intended as texting shortcuts, mind you, but as spoken exclamations.
Recently, she has a new one - which carries the benefit of being one of those acceptable things you can say when you have started to swear (like shhhhhhhhh...ugar!). Better yet, you can growl this one and it actually works! OFFS! is spoken as a full word (not o.f.f.s.) and, if you haven't already figured it out, means "oh for f***'s sake". So, thank you to my sister on behalf of myself - in my efforts to clean up my language - and on behalf of the ears of everyone else around me.
And that little goof up was also confirmation about what my "O" post would be. But let me first warn you that I have the mouth of a sailor and have really curtailed my cursing in this blog in an effort to be more polite. So this post is definitely into PG-13 land. You've been warned.
My sister is the queen of personal acronyms, in an attempt to not swear in front of her children. An early favorite of hers was OFCOL! (and she would say it o.f.c.o.l., not as a word), which of course meant "oh for crying out loud!" These were not intended as texting shortcuts, mind you, but as spoken exclamations.
Recently, she has a new one - which carries the benefit of being one of those acceptable things you can say when you have started to swear (like shhhhhhhhh...ugar!). Better yet, you can growl this one and it actually works! OFFS! is spoken as a full word (not o.f.f.s.) and, if you haven't already figured it out, means "oh for f***'s sake". So, thank you to my sister on behalf of myself - in my efforts to clean up my language - and on behalf of the ears of everyone else around me.
N: Norway
My grandfather immigrated to the U.S. from Norway in the 1920s, when he was about 16 years old. He came with his mother, his brother, and his two sisters, after their father died of diabetes in his early 40s. The family traveled to western North Dakota (aka the middle of nowhere, and a very harsh and windy nowhere at that!) where the father's brother had immigrated to some years earlier. I suspect the widow and her 4 children were sent to the father's brother, anticipating that he would marry the widow and provide for her family. Not sure how that all worked out, other than the widow (my greatgrandmother) never remarried. My grandfather died when I was 23 and one of my big regrets is that I never asked him for stories about his immigration - the boat, traveling through Canada from Nova Scotia to North Dakota, etc. I'm not sure he would have told me, but I sure wish I'd have asked.
My grandfather married my grandmother - who herself was also Norwegian but born in Minnesota. They spoke Norwegian as their primary language and my father says he didn't learn English until he started school. They always remained very fiercly proud of their Norwegian heritage.
My father then took up with my mother who is (gasp!) Swedish and German. My mother said that sometime after she and dad got married, my grandfather said to her "you're pretty good for a Swede" and he meant that, sincerely, as a compliment.
Over the years, my grandparents traveled to Norway a few times, and had Norwegian visitors regularly. My parents have done the same. My father has re-connected with some relatives over the years and has a pretty good idea of where his family originated.
I would love to visit Norway. A good friend of my husband's met a woman from Norway some years ago and they married and he now lives in Norway, so we have that inspiration. Plus it is gorgeous. Given my penchant for rocky, wild shorelines and mountains, Norway looks right up my alley. And I would really like to see my great-grandfather's grave.
My grandfather married my grandmother - who herself was also Norwegian but born in Minnesota. They spoke Norwegian as their primary language and my father says he didn't learn English until he started school. They always remained very fiercly proud of their Norwegian heritage.
My father then took up with my mother who is (gasp!) Swedish and German. My mother said that sometime after she and dad got married, my grandfather said to her "you're pretty good for a Swede" and he meant that, sincerely, as a compliment.
Over the years, my grandparents traveled to Norway a few times, and had Norwegian visitors regularly. My parents have done the same. My father has re-connected with some relatives over the years and has a pretty good idea of where his family originated.
I would love to visit Norway. A good friend of my husband's met a woman from Norway some years ago and they married and he now lives in Norway, so we have that inspiration. Plus it is gorgeous. Given my penchant for rocky, wild shorelines and mountains, Norway looks right up my alley. And I would really like to see my great-grandfather's grave.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
J: Jordan Elizabeth
On the eve of my start as a mother, I am dedicating this post to my eldest daughter, Jordan. Nine years ago right now, it was Friday afternoon and I was packing to go to a weekend conference with my husband about four hours from home. Our first child was due on Monday, I'd seen the doctor that afternoon and was given the green light to leave town, and I packed and loaded everything into the car. About 7 p.m., all was well and I headed out to get into the car. One leg into the car, my water broke. Twelve long hours later (and really I'm not complaining, and it wasn't much of a labor story compared to many others), my beautiful daughter Jordan Elizabeth was born.
Jordan will turn nine years old tomorrow. She is smart as a whip, she has a kind heart, she is funny, and while she knows how to push every button I have, she is a joy to have around. I feel some anxiety about being able to help give her the tools to create a satisfying life for herself, but I mostly am excited to see what the future brings my sweet girl.
Enjoy your last day of being eight, kiddo! I love you to the universe and back again. Mama
Jordan will turn nine years old tomorrow. She is smart as a whip, she has a kind heart, she is funny, and while she knows how to push every button I have, she is a joy to have around. I feel some anxiety about being able to help give her the tools to create a satisfying life for herself, but I mostly am excited to see what the future brings my sweet girl.
Enjoy your last day of being eight, kiddo! I love you to the universe and back again. Mama
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Philosophy for 3rd graders
The girls and I took a long car drive yesterday and, because I am a well seasoned motion sickness veteran, who has too many times heard "Mom, my stomach feels funny..." from our backseat, only to enjoy the view of one or the other child spewing as I turn around to respond, I confiscated the electronics about halfway and declared that it was time for the girls to watch out the window for a while. Surprisingly, we had a great conversation about our recent vacation and discussed the possibility of one or more future vacations in upcoming years.
And then my nearly nine year old, 3rd grade daughter asked about something she has heard - is it true that the world is going to end in 2012, Mom? The reality is that I rarely pay attention to apocalyptic crap - I'm not going to waste my life worrying about the end of the world. But I think I was correct when I explained to her that an early civilization (Aztecs?) had the earliest or one of the earliest known calendars and that calendar ended in December 2012. And then I explained to her that people have a choice - you can live your life, and do your best to live your best life, or you can live in fear of the end and what comes (or doesn't come) after. And as many kids do when they ask a deep question, she listened to what I said, she nodded, and then she proceeded to talk about where she'd like to go in 2013. I guess she's decided her "apocaplypse plan" for the time being.
And then my nearly nine year old, 3rd grade daughter asked about something she has heard - is it true that the world is going to end in 2012, Mom? The reality is that I rarely pay attention to apocalyptic crap - I'm not going to waste my life worrying about the end of the world. But I think I was correct when I explained to her that an early civilization (Aztecs?) had the earliest or one of the earliest known calendars and that calendar ended in December 2012. And then I explained to her that people have a choice - you can live your life, and do your best to live your best life, or you can live in fear of the end and what comes (or doesn't come) after. And as many kids do when they ask a deep question, she listened to what I said, she nodded, and then she proceeded to talk about where she'd like to go in 2013. I guess she's decided her "apocaplypse plan" for the time being.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
And here we are at February 13 1/2...
I actually used to remove February 14th from my calendars. Either cut it out or past a 13 1/2 over it. I have long disliked, or even despised, this Hallmark holiday for the focus and import it puts on mushy-gushy b.s. that some people call "love".
I haven't really given my former position much thought in recent years. Now, from this vantage point of 40something, minivan-driving, married, mother of two, I still think it is a real pain in the hiney. Case in point:
I have now spent about 75% of my time with my kids in the past four days "making Valentines". Which means, at their ages, keeping after them to get them done. The 3rd grader finally buckled down and got them done without much hoopla, but the 1st grader, who only had to write names (the to: and from:) on cut out hearts, threw tantrum after tantrum. I told her that if she didn't make one for every kid in the class, then I wouldn't let her take any. I know she wants to have Valentines to hand out, and she would be heart broken if she didn't have them, but she is just so opposed to being told what to do and when to do it, that it becomes a battle. It was painful and really sucked away whatever Valentine-friendly feelings I was trying to nurture.
My husband is often good at sending me flowers or something for Valentine's Day - I won't be surprised if the local florist turns up at my office today and I will be happy if he does, but not mad or heartbroken if he doesn't. I feel a little guilty sometimes because I do not do the same for him, or at least not very often. He buys himself whatever he wants, so it makes gift-giving sort of pointless, even if I could think of something ... and this year, in light of the fact that I recently wrote him a very lovely love letter, I think I'm going to call it good. I adore him, and better yet, I appreciate him, but I do that 365 days a year and don't need some Hallmark card to make it true.
So, if you enjoy Valentine's Day, have at it. I'll be back in sync with your calendar on the 15th!
I haven't really given my former position much thought in recent years. Now, from this vantage point of 40something, minivan-driving, married, mother of two, I still think it is a real pain in the hiney. Case in point:
I have now spent about 75% of my time with my kids in the past four days "making Valentines". Which means, at their ages, keeping after them to get them done. The 3rd grader finally buckled down and got them done without much hoopla, but the 1st grader, who only had to write names (the to: and from:) on cut out hearts, threw tantrum after tantrum. I told her that if she didn't make one for every kid in the class, then I wouldn't let her take any. I know she wants to have Valentines to hand out, and she would be heart broken if she didn't have them, but she is just so opposed to being told what to do and when to do it, that it becomes a battle. It was painful and really sucked away whatever Valentine-friendly feelings I was trying to nurture.
My husband is often good at sending me flowers or something for Valentine's Day - I won't be surprised if the local florist turns up at my office today and I will be happy if he does, but not mad or heartbroken if he doesn't. I feel a little guilty sometimes because I do not do the same for him, or at least not very often. He buys himself whatever he wants, so it makes gift-giving sort of pointless, even if I could think of something ... and this year, in light of the fact that I recently wrote him a very lovely love letter, I think I'm going to call it good. I adore him, and better yet, I appreciate him, but I do that 365 days a year and don't need some Hallmark card to make it true.
So, if you enjoy Valentine's Day, have at it. I'll be back in sync with your calendar on the 15th!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Ode to a Cleaning Person
If I were really on my game this morning, I would write this in some kind of rhyming prose - since that's what "ode" means to me. But unfortunately I had a terrible night and am a bit groggy and likely going to be very grumpy today since I was really looking forward to sleeping last night...
Don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but the backstory to my Ode is that my husband and I are not very motivated about cleaning. Somehow, neither of us got that gene nor did we develop any kind of helpful OCD traits that make it necessary for us to live in a clean house. And with 2 messy adults, 2 kids, 2 cats and a dog - well the house gets cluttered quick. So, since Sean came home from treatment in September, and was going to be a SAHD for a while, we agreed that the housework was going to be his responsibility (seriously WE agreed to this). And boy oh boy, that has not worked out at all.
I finally told him a few weeks ago that if he did not intend to clean, then he needed to hire a cleaning person. He also agreed to that plan. A week later, no movement on that front and the house was out.of.control. I was learning again the lesson about not being able to control another person and only being able to control my own reaction (which was a very timely and helpful lesson for me actually), and then my Higher Power stepped in...
Earlier this week, a friend of ours posted on Facebook that she had a friend who needed some extra jobs to pay for her daughter to go to treatment, and our friend spoke to her trustworthiness and said that she also cleans for her. I emailed our friend immediately - "have your friend call Sean, we need someone ASAP!" The friend called Sean that night and after a visit to sort of get the lay of the very nasty land in our house, came yesterday to start the job. Hurray for having a cleaning person!!! And double hurray that we can also help out someone trying to save her kid from addiction.
The dear woman had to stack up the piles of random crap in every room, in order to clean the floors, but now I think we can actually sort out all the stuff in those random crap stacks, and order will be restored.
My niece and her friend are taking a spring break trip in a couple months and have also promised to come up and work for us some weekend, to earn money for that trip. Now with the regular cleaning stuff accounted for, I can set them to some larger nagging tasks like organizing my Christmas ornaments or, if it is warm enough outside, cleaning out the garage. And perhaps I can then set my husband to some tasks like pulling off the awful fruity wallpaper border that some prior owner put up in the kitchen and re-painting! Yahoo!
I also have Kid 1 on a tasks to do an extra chore a day for 100 days - this because Kid 2 is on a more personal quest to resolve a particular nasty habit by avoiding it for 100 days and I needed to have a similar quest for Kid 1 since Kid 2's quest involves a prize at the end and I suppose it's only fair to reward Kid 1 for something too. We're on Day 6 today and so far so good!
Geez, I go back and read that list and think I am perhaps a bit of a general - marshalling the necessary troops to fight the enemy. Too funny.
Don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but the backstory to my Ode is that my husband and I are not very motivated about cleaning. Somehow, neither of us got that gene nor did we develop any kind of helpful OCD traits that make it necessary for us to live in a clean house. And with 2 messy adults, 2 kids, 2 cats and a dog - well the house gets cluttered quick. So, since Sean came home from treatment in September, and was going to be a SAHD for a while, we agreed that the housework was going to be his responsibility (seriously WE agreed to this). And boy oh boy, that has not worked out at all.
I finally told him a few weeks ago that if he did not intend to clean, then he needed to hire a cleaning person. He also agreed to that plan. A week later, no movement on that front and the house was out.of.control. I was learning again the lesson about not being able to control another person and only being able to control my own reaction (which was a very timely and helpful lesson for me actually), and then my Higher Power stepped in...
Earlier this week, a friend of ours posted on Facebook that she had a friend who needed some extra jobs to pay for her daughter to go to treatment, and our friend spoke to her trustworthiness and said that she also cleans for her. I emailed our friend immediately - "have your friend call Sean, we need someone ASAP!" The friend called Sean that night and after a visit to sort of get the lay of the very nasty land in our house, came yesterday to start the job. Hurray for having a cleaning person!!! And double hurray that we can also help out someone trying to save her kid from addiction.
The dear woman had to stack up the piles of random crap in every room, in order to clean the floors, but now I think we can actually sort out all the stuff in those random crap stacks, and order will be restored.
My niece and her friend are taking a spring break trip in a couple months and have also promised to come up and work for us some weekend, to earn money for that trip. Now with the regular cleaning stuff accounted for, I can set them to some larger nagging tasks like organizing my Christmas ornaments or, if it is warm enough outside, cleaning out the garage. And perhaps I can then set my husband to some tasks like pulling off the awful fruity wallpaper border that some prior owner put up in the kitchen and re-painting! Yahoo!
I also have Kid 1 on a tasks to do an extra chore a day for 100 days - this because Kid 2 is on a more personal quest to resolve a particular nasty habit by avoiding it for 100 days and I needed to have a similar quest for Kid 1 since Kid 2's quest involves a prize at the end and I suppose it's only fair to reward Kid 1 for something too. We're on Day 6 today and so far so good!
Geez, I go back and read that list and think I am perhaps a bit of a general - marshalling the necessary troops to fight the enemy. Too funny.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Family and "home" - NaBloPoMo 10
The prompt for today asks if I live near my family. Depends on the scope of the question. I guess you could say I do - I live a one hour drive from my brother's family, two hours from my sister's and two hours from my parents (in the warm weather - across the country to Tucson in the winter). Technology allows us to call, email, text, Facebook, share photos and videos...yes, I would say we are in close proximity.
What this prompt really raised for me was the concept of "home". It is common to be asked "where are you from?" or "where did you grow up?" and that has always puzzled me a bit, and I use a variety of answers, depending on the source of the question. There's the nickel tour: I was born in one town in IL, moved to another suburb of Chicago where I went to K and half of 1st grade, then to one metro suburb in Minnesota for the other half of 1st grade, then a different 'burb for 2nd grade, then to North Dakota for 3rd-9th grade, then to a small town in Minnesota for 9th-12th grade, then two different colleges (2 years each), then to the metro area in Minnesota for 4 years (2 different places), then Seattle for 5 years (4 different places), then back to the metro area in Minnesota for 3 years (2 different places), then to a small city in Minnesota for 2 years, then a very small town for 1 year, then back to that small city for 4 years, then to our current small city where we've been IN THE SAME HOUSE for over 5 years now. No wonder I feel the itching feet these days, with all that moving around!
With all that moving around, and with my parents having moved away from the home where I last lived with them some 20 years ago, what I learned was that - for me - "home" is where my family is. Particularly my parents. "Home" is the people I want around me on holidays like Christmas Eve and when I need my family - I'm not sure that the physical location matters a whole lot to me. But what I also learned was that I want to give my children what I didn't have, which is the opportunity to grow up in a community and feel like you are "from there". I love that my eldest daughter is now in 3rd grade with folks she knows from kindergarten, and I hope we can maintain that for her. I always felt like an outsider at any of my schools - I hadn't been there long and I wasn't related to anyone in school or in town (for any of you who haven't experienced true small town life, it often feels like a large percentage of the school or town populations is related by blood or marriage).
What this prompt really raised for me was the concept of "home". It is common to be asked "where are you from?" or "where did you grow up?" and that has always puzzled me a bit, and I use a variety of answers, depending on the source of the question. There's the nickel tour: I was born in one town in IL, moved to another suburb of Chicago where I went to K and half of 1st grade, then to one metro suburb in Minnesota for the other half of 1st grade, then a different 'burb for 2nd grade, then to North Dakota for 3rd-9th grade, then to a small town in Minnesota for 9th-12th grade, then two different colleges (2 years each), then to the metro area in Minnesota for 4 years (2 different places), then Seattle for 5 years (4 different places), then back to the metro area in Minnesota for 3 years (2 different places), then to a small city in Minnesota for 2 years, then a very small town for 1 year, then back to that small city for 4 years, then to our current small city where we've been IN THE SAME HOUSE for over 5 years now. No wonder I feel the itching feet these days, with all that moving around!
With all that moving around, and with my parents having moved away from the home where I last lived with them some 20 years ago, what I learned was that - for me - "home" is where my family is. Particularly my parents. "Home" is the people I want around me on holidays like Christmas Eve and when I need my family - I'm not sure that the physical location matters a whole lot to me. But what I also learned was that I want to give my children what I didn't have, which is the opportunity to grow up in a community and feel like you are "from there". I love that my eldest daughter is now in 3rd grade with folks she knows from kindergarten, and I hope we can maintain that for her. I always felt like an outsider at any of my schools - I hadn't been there long and I wasn't related to anyone in school or in town (for any of you who haven't experienced true small town life, it often feels like a large percentage of the school or town populations is related by blood or marriage).
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