Any who have read my blog from the beginning will recall that Sean and I were seriously considering adopting another child. Due to some personal circumstances, we found we wouldn't be able to proceed until June 2013, so it kind of went on the back burner for a while. And in that time I realized a few things.
First, I had to accept that I was wholly overwhelmed with my life as it is right now. My girls are starting to have more and more outside activities, my younger daughter is on the ASD spectrum which results in some real struggles for all of us, and the reality is that any additional stress, I might just explode. And additional stress came last summer, in the form of a huge work shift. One of my co-workers left for another job and his entire case load ended up on my desk. There was good in that, and I did well with it, but it left me with absolutely no emotional reservoir.
I don't like to admit the work "overwhelmed" ever has any bearing on my life. I take great personal pride in being able to get through anything - one of my huge "walls" is to never let anyone see me sweat. Good Germanic and Scandahoovian martyrdom and stiff upper lip b.s. and all that, you know. It's bred into me. But I did admit it ultimately to myself this time.
And so the dream of adopting a child is over. Those children need homes, and I greatly admire those who provide the homes and the amazing care that these kids need to deal with their pasts and their futures, but my children had dibs on me first and my obligation to them does not allow me to dilute myself beyond my limits. I'd love to think I could do it all but that is not being honest with myself. On a happier note, once I did figure it out, it took a lot of pressure off. There is a certain amount of deep breathing that comes with accepting yourself as you are, you know?
And our family then took a leap: in October we adopted a second dog. I have never had a second dog in my life, so that was an interesting prospect. The dog we adopted, Copper, is a greyhound, rescued from a racetrack breeding farm in Kansas. He must have been slow or something, because he never made it to the track, which is maybe a good things for him (conditions at the track are worse than those at the farms). The thing about these rescued greyhounds is that they know nothing of family life, living in a house, or floors other than dirt and concrete. Copper lived with thousands of other hounds in outdoor pens and kennels. He was terrified by the door to our house and cars and mailboxes, we had to teach him to walk up and down stairs, and he still (3 months later) is spooked by new people, loud noises and shadows on the walls. But he is sweet and sometimes playful and we have high hopes that he will continue to socialize and develop his personality. Thankfully, he and Lucky took to each other right off.
We are a well balanced household now - 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs; 4 males, 4 females. I hope we are also on our way to balancing everyone's emotional needs, activities, and obligations - or at least I think we are and I'm optimistic.
How good to hear from you again, Sarah! I have been wondering about that adoption idea. Perhaps I have mentioned this before (forgive me if I have) - I wanted a third child but my husband was adamantly opposed. He loved his two but he felt a third would really compromise what we could give to the first two -- and it would add more on the plate of two already hard working parents. I did not accept his desire well but I did accept it as I felt that it wouldn't be right to bring a third child into the family unless he was way on board. Fast forward ten years after that decision to limit the family was made: I was so grateful that we had not had the third child. Our kids are less than two years apart and , as little guys, they were fun and a handful but as school age and teen age kids they were an even bigger handful. I am like you - I pride myself on doing an outstanding job at work - no matter how much is dumped on my plate. I hate to think how I would have coped with a third child - and each child does bring his or her own challenges - no matter what.
ReplyDeleteWhat I know is that life is too short to be so exhausted and to always feel as if you are not doing/giving enough.
I applaud your decision (though, you know, I would have been 100% supportive if you had gone the adoption route.
LOVE the balance in your house!
We too considered adoption but every time we tried to pursue it, it just didn't feel right for some reason. Then a year and a half ago I had a second child. Sometimes things just do work out the way they are supposed to. And yes your biological children need you. It's good that you have now taken that pressure off.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the 2nd dog. We recently got a first one after being without one for over a year. It's good to have balance and to know what your family needs and to adjust accordingly.