Gifts

When I was 29 years old, I decided to go to law school.  I decided I needed to challenge myself and stop waiting for "the one" to come along and get my own career and make a difference in my own life instead of waiting for someone else to create a difference for me.  I heard from almost every lawyer I talked to that I shouldn't do it - not because I wouldn't be able to but because it wouldn't make me happy.  I didn't expect it (the job) to make me happy - I have known for my entire life that I am unamenable to conflict.  What I expected was that it would change my life.

It did.

Yes, I learned all kinds of things about myself - including academic humility which was new, since school to that point had always come very easily to me - but the best gift I was given in law school were my four girlfriends.  If I am ever inclined to believe in predestination or fate taking a hand in directing my life, I would say that these women were the reason I went to law school.  What I know is that I recognized the amazing people around me in school and threw any pride I had out the window in roping them into my life, in whatever I way I could.

We graduated 13 years ago, and we five friends have had about 13 reunion vacations since then, four marriages, birthed eight children and two grandchildren, moved households a pile of times, changed jobs, dithered about career decisions, and laughed and cried more times than I can count.  These women have changed my life - and to give myself credit, let's word that differently:  we five women have changed each other's life.

We just spent five days on the Gulf of Mexico, with nothing more pressing than catching up on our life stories, eating good food, and relaxing with each other.  It was restorative, peaceful, hysterically funny, gorgeous, and best of all a chance to open our hearts to each other in person and share the burden we each carry.  You know how the Grinch's heart grows three sizes at the end of the story?  I felt like my lungs expanded and I could breath three times more fully by the time we headed home.

Thank you my friends.  You are in my heart every day.  No matter how much life might beat me dow at times, I can only believe that I am amazing person, since women like you find me to be worthy of your friendship and love.  I am beyond blessed.

It's been 22 days...

I just looked and it has been 22 days since my last post.  My angst over that makes it feel much longer, so I was little relieved it see it hadn't yet been a month, though I do feel like this post is sort of a confession (I'm Sarah and it's been 22 days since my last log-on...).  Mind you, I am not "should-ing" myself about writing every day or whatever, but I have been castigating myself over the not writing because I feel like I'm doing it (or not doing it, as it were) as a "so there!" or other oppositional reaction.  What is up with that?

When I first started my blog, it was because I had so much rambling around in my head I just needed to get it out.  I remember writing topic lists and just having item and idea one after the other.  It was so easy!  And I think as it got harder - and I started facing some of the personal decisions that come with blogging (yes, we all know what those are I'm sure!) - some part of my brain started with the "fine!  then I just won't do it!"  Then throw in a couple added life stressors and we have a 22 day strike.  And trust me, it felt like a strike.  I didn't read other people's blogs and I didn't even THINK about writing a post. 

"Get over your damn self!" is my new internal mantra.  A very wise friend said this to me a couple weeks ago - in the kindest and most indirect of ways - as I ranted on and on (again!) about work crap.  And it comes back to that awesome Shawshank Redemption quote "get busy living, or get busy dying".  If there are choices you opt not to choose (i.e. changing a job or whatever), then find the good in what you have and QUIT BITCHING ABOUT IT.  Focus on the good and your mood will very likely lift - mine has.  I have actually sailed through work the past couple weeks without any real whining at all and that is saying something! 

I am also the queen of whining when life gets hard.  I have had a remarkably easy life in so many ways.  In looking back, it feels to me like I've rarely if ever truly challenged myself to do anything that takes struggle or perseverence (except the marathon that is marriage and parenthood, of course).  As I am now coming out of my weird funk, I see that this blog writing stuff takes effort and perseverence - and doing it for the experience of doing it, not for any other purpose or for any other person. 

Whew, glad to have that out of my system - how many Hail Marys do I have to do?