What is it about some people that makes them draw other people toward them? We've all known someone like that, and I have had the pleasure to know a few and for those that are no longer regularly in my life, I still think of them fondly and with a smile. And I still marvel at how these people can walk into anywhere and immediately, and magically, draw people to them and leave others smiling and feeling warm, just from crossing paths. I have tried to mimic what I've seen them do - really look at people, smile at everyone, and say the nice things that sometimes pop into my mind ("I love your socks!" was the last one that comes to mind - said to a woman at yoga who came in with these gorgeous wild colored wool socks on as leg warmers). I think doing this shares some warmth and makes people smile, even just for a moment, but I have never found the magic that actually draws people to me. But I love doing the little things like holding a door or reaching for something on a high shelf for someone at the grocery store who is stretching or commenting with a smile to a stranger.
I have been thinking a lot lately about one of my friends, Lisa. She was the most magnetic of the magnetic people I've ever known. After I moved away, she was planning a globe-hopping travel adventure and was kind enough to send me photographs of her journey. Keep in mind this was in the early years before everyone had email and before wi-fi allowed for global internet access. I followed her journey hungrily, since I was not raised with enough adventure in my soul to ever even conceive of doing such a thing. I think we crossed paths once after that trip and had lunch, because I remember hearing about her travels in person. But that was about the last I heard from Lisa. I googled her some years ago and was thrilled to discover that she was involved with a national women's white water rafting team ... clearly her adventures continued! But I never found an address - email or otherwise - to write to her.
And then in early September, I googled her again. I was scrolling around through various 'hits' when I happened to look at the "google images". And there she was - huge smile and wild hair. The photo was from a few years ago in New Zealand! So I searched a little narrower and found another photo on a web page for a yoga studio in New Zealand - there was no face, but it was a woman sitting with her head thrown back laughing. I didn't need a face to recognize my friend. There were tears in my eyes by that point. So then I searched a little narrower, found a web site for a yoga studio back in the U.S., advertising a yoga retreat with my friend Lisa as the chef (she was always a fantastic cook!). I actually immediately clicks on the "register" button and having not done a lick of yoga in my life, I was ready to get a plane - that's how strong a presence she was in my life - only to realize the retreat had already occurred after Labor Day weekend. But there were multiple photos of my friend - smiling and looking gorgeous and I sat there clicking on the photo galleries, smiling and laughing and wiping tears. I found "my" Lisa!
I did send an email and had two emails back from each of the two studio owners, saying they'd pass along my greetings to Lisa. I hoped I would hear back from her but, to date, have not. And that makes me sad but at the same time, I am just so happy that her adventures continue and that she is happy and well and no doubt bringing joy to the people around her.
There were many players in the process it took to get me onto my yoga mat, but truly seeing Lisa again - even online - was the final straw. Well, the final straw was finding a yoga studio that had a class schedule I could manage as well and that wasn't terrifying (or too terrifying) but that was really more of a technical hurdle to overcome. I had been going up the 'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can' hill towards it for a long time and Lisa, I think, was the final push to crest the hill, let go, and holler wheeeeeeeeeee! even as my rational brain was shrieking in terror. That was what Lisa gave to me - we had a couple adventures where I had to consciously set my rational brain aside and just let go and enjoy the ride.
I love you Lisa, and I thank you sincerely for the memories and your effect on my life.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Body Image
Contradictory as usual, it has occurred to me that I have what I think is maybe a unique body image. I have read lots of things over the years about the poor folks suffering with eating disorders, who despite looking to the rest of us like a concentration camp inmate, see a fat person when they look at themselves in the mirror. On the other hand, we also know there are lots of people who have not-perfect bodies who carry themselves with the pride and confidence and even the sex appeal of the hottest supermodel.
I am somewhere in the middle.
I don't frequently look in the mirror, but when I do I am often slow to recognize myself because the lumpy, doughy body is not what I expect to see. Instead, I expect to see a lean and strong person, who is relaxed in body and in life. I recently dubbed that inner vision as my inner athlete.
I may never have that lean and strong athlete physique but that is also not my goal as I enter my second month of yoga practice. My goal is actually the second half of my inner vision - when I look at myself, I want to see a person who is relaxed in body and in life. Balanced and at peace.
I am somewhere in the middle.
I don't frequently look in the mirror, but when I do I am often slow to recognize myself because the lumpy, doughy body is not what I expect to see. Instead, I expect to see a lean and strong person, who is relaxed in body and in life. I recently dubbed that inner vision as my inner athlete.
I may never have that lean and strong athlete physique but that is also not my goal as I enter my second month of yoga practice. My goal is actually the second half of my inner vision - when I look at myself, I want to see a person who is relaxed in body and in life. Balanced and at peace.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
7 Lessons After 7 Yoga Classes
I started a yoga journey on October 2, 2013. It seemed that for many months I had been searching for some way to help myself feel better mentally and emotionally. What I was doing wasn't working and every time I turned around, someone or something was whispering (or hollering) YOGA! Finally, I found myself walking in the door of a local yoga studio, having paid for a month's unlimited class membership. I was terrified and excited. Intimidated and proud.
It was beginners class - beginners HOT yoga. I do not like heat. I have not enjoyed the minimal experience I'd had with yoga to date. I was (and still am) terrifically out of shape. But I introduced myself to the owner/instructor, 'fessed up to my beginner status (like that wasn't going to be obvious in the first five minutes), and did what I have been dreaming of doing without even knowing what I was dreaming of - turned inside myself, surrendered my head and my body to the process, and let my focus remain on what was happening on my mat for that hour. And the heat was glorious.
First lesson - I have been longing to do something just for myself, that honors my physical self in this moment, as the miraculous gift it is. I want to say "lesson learned" but this is very much a work in progress - remaining grateful for my body as it is right this minute.
I did four beginner's classes to start. I learned that some days things are really hard or even impossible and another day they might not be so hard. I learned that I can fall out of a pose and shake it out and try to go right back into it. I learned that I can go through an entire class and really have no idea who else is in the room with me. And there I am in my yoga capris and tank top (it is just too hot for anything else), just being. Beautiful lesson two.
Next was the regular class - at 5:15 a.m. class. If I hope to make this a regular part of my life, it has to stay out of the way of my time with my kids, so I learned that if I go at 5:15 a.m., I am home just after the kids' alarm clock goes off for school and can jump right into the morning routine. And I did OK with the regular, non-beginner class too - so a success all the way around.
Then, since I had a few days off, I decided to try some other class offerings. The first was High Intensity Interval Training yoga. Oh my hannah. I have a nagging tendinitis in my Achilles tendon which flared up on about jumping jack number 5 and had me hobbling for 2 days afterward. And many of the interval activities were way beyond my strength level, so I was modifying as we went along and felt very unparticipatory. But my heart rate was up and I was working hard, so that was when lesson three lasered into focus - it is not a competition, with yourself or anyone else, it is about doing your best and honoring your strength, however it manifests itself on a given day.
Lesson four - when you are aching and tired and sore, don't let yourself skip yoga. It will make you feel better. That was the 5:15a class the morning after HIIT.
Candlelight flow yoga was Sunday night. I so wanted to find a peaceful end to the weekend/start to the new week. This was the largest class I've attended and with the extra bodies, including a couple men for the first time, I had the experience of trying to do a downward facing dog (I'm tall, so have to have my hands and face close to the end of my mat on one end, in order for my feet to have all the way to the other end of the mat) with the feet of my neighbor passing in front of my face. Disconcerting. Didn't help that she was a bit of a "flailer". And I know that the proper breathing means bringing "texture and sound" to our exhales, but the grunting and groaning of one of the men was becoming very annoying. And then lesson five came to me - remember back to lesson one about focusing on myself and what is happening on my own mat? Yeah, lesson five was that I have to free myself of being impacted by what is happening on other mats in the room and not letting that create friction for me.
This morning I went back for 5:15a class. I was tired and stiff and have a twinge in my back and a sore knee. Physically, class didn't go well for me at all. I couldn't hold much of any pose. But I kept at it and got through it and glad that I was there. Lesson six - loving myself and honoring myself, even when I am imperfect and life doesn't go the way I want it to. I also gave myself a pat on the back for even showing up when I am so achey and tired, and to keep at it even when it is hard. And the heat was lovely.
It is becoming apparent to me (here's lesson seven) that the old mantra of learning of love yourself is one of those phrases that is so easy to say and even claim, but not so easy to actually practice and own. But I'm doing it. My "intentions" for yoga include concepts like: I am not invisible. I am valuable. I am a miracle. I am grateful for the person I am, right here and right now.
It was beginners class - beginners HOT yoga. I do not like heat. I have not enjoyed the minimal experience I'd had with yoga to date. I was (and still am) terrifically out of shape. But I introduced myself to the owner/instructor, 'fessed up to my beginner status (like that wasn't going to be obvious in the first five minutes), and did what I have been dreaming of doing without even knowing what I was dreaming of - turned inside myself, surrendered my head and my body to the process, and let my focus remain on what was happening on my mat for that hour. And the heat was glorious.
First lesson - I have been longing to do something just for myself, that honors my physical self in this moment, as the miraculous gift it is. I want to say "lesson learned" but this is very much a work in progress - remaining grateful for my body as it is right this minute.
I did four beginner's classes to start. I learned that some days things are really hard or even impossible and another day they might not be so hard. I learned that I can fall out of a pose and shake it out and try to go right back into it. I learned that I can go through an entire class and really have no idea who else is in the room with me. And there I am in my yoga capris and tank top (it is just too hot for anything else), just being. Beautiful lesson two.
Next was the regular class - at 5:15 a.m. class. If I hope to make this a regular part of my life, it has to stay out of the way of my time with my kids, so I learned that if I go at 5:15 a.m., I am home just after the kids' alarm clock goes off for school and can jump right into the morning routine. And I did OK with the regular, non-beginner class too - so a success all the way around.
Then, since I had a few days off, I decided to try some other class offerings. The first was High Intensity Interval Training yoga. Oh my hannah. I have a nagging tendinitis in my Achilles tendon which flared up on about jumping jack number 5 and had me hobbling for 2 days afterward. And many of the interval activities were way beyond my strength level, so I was modifying as we went along and felt very unparticipatory. But my heart rate was up and I was working hard, so that was when lesson three lasered into focus - it is not a competition, with yourself or anyone else, it is about doing your best and honoring your strength, however it manifests itself on a given day.
Lesson four - when you are aching and tired and sore, don't let yourself skip yoga. It will make you feel better. That was the 5:15a class the morning after HIIT.
Candlelight flow yoga was Sunday night. I so wanted to find a peaceful end to the weekend/start to the new week. This was the largest class I've attended and with the extra bodies, including a couple men for the first time, I had the experience of trying to do a downward facing dog (I'm tall, so have to have my hands and face close to the end of my mat on one end, in order for my feet to have all the way to the other end of the mat) with the feet of my neighbor passing in front of my face. Disconcerting. Didn't help that she was a bit of a "flailer". And I know that the proper breathing means bringing "texture and sound" to our exhales, but the grunting and groaning of one of the men was becoming very annoying. And then lesson five came to me - remember back to lesson one about focusing on myself and what is happening on my own mat? Yeah, lesson five was that I have to free myself of being impacted by what is happening on other mats in the room and not letting that create friction for me.
This morning I went back for 5:15a class. I was tired and stiff and have a twinge in my back and a sore knee. Physically, class didn't go well for me at all. I couldn't hold much of any pose. But I kept at it and got through it and glad that I was there. Lesson six - loving myself and honoring myself, even when I am imperfect and life doesn't go the way I want it to. I also gave myself a pat on the back for even showing up when I am so achey and tired, and to keep at it even when it is hard. And the heat was lovely.
It is becoming apparent to me (here's lesson seven) that the old mantra of learning of love yourself is one of those phrases that is so easy to say and even claim, but not so easy to actually practice and own. But I'm doing it. My "intentions" for yoga include concepts like: I am not invisible. I am valuable. I am a miracle. I am grateful for the person I am, right here and right now.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
New addition to the family...
Any who have read my blog from the beginning will recall that Sean and I were seriously considering adopting another child. Due to some personal circumstances, we found we wouldn't be able to proceed until June 2013, so it kind of went on the back burner for a while. And in that time I realized a few things.
First, I had to accept that I was wholly overwhelmed with my life as it is right now. My girls are starting to have more and more outside activities, my younger daughter is on the ASD spectrum which results in some real struggles for all of us, and the reality is that any additional stress, I might just explode. And additional stress came last summer, in the form of a huge work shift. One of my co-workers left for another job and his entire case load ended up on my desk. There was good in that, and I did well with it, but it left me with absolutely no emotional reservoir.
I don't like to admit the work "overwhelmed" ever has any bearing on my life. I take great personal pride in being able to get through anything - one of my huge "walls" is to never let anyone see me sweat. Good Germanic and Scandahoovian martyrdom and stiff upper lip b.s. and all that, you know. It's bred into me. But I did admit it ultimately to myself this time.
And so the dream of adopting a child is over. Those children need homes, and I greatly admire those who provide the homes and the amazing care that these kids need to deal with their pasts and their futures, but my children had dibs on me first and my obligation to them does not allow me to dilute myself beyond my limits. I'd love to think I could do it all but that is not being honest with myself. On a happier note, once I did figure it out, it took a lot of pressure off. There is a certain amount of deep breathing that comes with accepting yourself as you are, you know?
And our family then took a leap: in October we adopted a second dog. I have never had a second dog in my life, so that was an interesting prospect. The dog we adopted, Copper, is a greyhound, rescued from a racetrack breeding farm in Kansas. He must have been slow or something, because he never made it to the track, which is maybe a good things for him (conditions at the track are worse than those at the farms). The thing about these rescued greyhounds is that they know nothing of family life, living in a house, or floors other than dirt and concrete. Copper lived with thousands of other hounds in outdoor pens and kennels. He was terrified by the door to our house and cars and mailboxes, we had to teach him to walk up and down stairs, and he still (3 months later) is spooked by new people, loud noises and shadows on the walls. But he is sweet and sometimes playful and we have high hopes that he will continue to socialize and develop his personality. Thankfully, he and Lucky took to each other right off.
We are a well balanced household now - 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs; 4 males, 4 females. I hope we are also on our way to balancing everyone's emotional needs, activities, and obligations - or at least I think we are and I'm optimistic.
First, I had to accept that I was wholly overwhelmed with my life as it is right now. My girls are starting to have more and more outside activities, my younger daughter is on the ASD spectrum which results in some real struggles for all of us, and the reality is that any additional stress, I might just explode. And additional stress came last summer, in the form of a huge work shift. One of my co-workers left for another job and his entire case load ended up on my desk. There was good in that, and I did well with it, but it left me with absolutely no emotional reservoir.
I don't like to admit the work "overwhelmed" ever has any bearing on my life. I take great personal pride in being able to get through anything - one of my huge "walls" is to never let anyone see me sweat. Good Germanic and Scandahoovian martyrdom and stiff upper lip b.s. and all that, you know. It's bred into me. But I did admit it ultimately to myself this time.
And so the dream of adopting a child is over. Those children need homes, and I greatly admire those who provide the homes and the amazing care that these kids need to deal with their pasts and their futures, but my children had dibs on me first and my obligation to them does not allow me to dilute myself beyond my limits. I'd love to think I could do it all but that is not being honest with myself. On a happier note, once I did figure it out, it took a lot of pressure off. There is a certain amount of deep breathing that comes with accepting yourself as you are, you know?
And our family then took a leap: in October we adopted a second dog. I have never had a second dog in my life, so that was an interesting prospect. The dog we adopted, Copper, is a greyhound, rescued from a racetrack breeding farm in Kansas. He must have been slow or something, because he never made it to the track, which is maybe a good things for him (conditions at the track are worse than those at the farms). The thing about these rescued greyhounds is that they know nothing of family life, living in a house, or floors other than dirt and concrete. Copper lived with thousands of other hounds in outdoor pens and kennels. He was terrified by the door to our house and cars and mailboxes, we had to teach him to walk up and down stairs, and he still (3 months later) is spooked by new people, loud noises and shadows on the walls. But he is sweet and sometimes playful and we have high hopes that he will continue to socialize and develop his personality. Thankfully, he and Lucky took to each other right off.
We are a well balanced household now - 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs; 4 males, 4 females. I hope we are also on our way to balancing everyone's emotional needs, activities, and obligations - or at least I think we are and I'm optimistic.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy New Year
To any of my blogging friends who have been wondering if I dropped off the face of the earth, well rest assured I am alive and well but I did drop off the face of the blogging world a few (six?) months ago. I haven't even logging in to blogger in all that time and despite how curious I've been about everyone and what everyone is writing about, something happened that just stopped me in my blogging tracks.
To everyone a very happy new year! I hope that everyone can stop and breathe long enough every day to find the beauty in each and every day - even if it is hiding behind the gerbil wheel of regular life or the various tragedies that have a way of creating havoc with our peace and happiness. I hope 2013 is full of changed attitudes and harmony - and that my hope for that isn't dimmed before the new year hardly can begin.
I hope to be back in the coming days, catching up and sharing with everyone again. I have missed you and am finding my way back.
Sarah
To everyone a very happy new year! I hope that everyone can stop and breathe long enough every day to find the beauty in each and every day - even if it is hiding behind the gerbil wheel of regular life or the various tragedies that have a way of creating havoc with our peace and happiness. I hope 2013 is full of changed attitudes and harmony - and that my hope for that isn't dimmed before the new year hardly can begin.
I hope to be back in the coming days, catching up and sharing with everyone again. I have missed you and am finding my way back.
Sarah
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Gifts
When I was 29 years old, I decided to go to law school. I decided I needed to challenge myself and stop waiting for "the one" to come along and get my own career and make a difference in my own life instead of waiting for someone else to create a difference for me. I heard from almost every lawyer I talked to that I shouldn't do it - not because I wouldn't be able to but because it wouldn't make me happy. I didn't expect it (the job) to make me happy - I have known for my entire life that I am unamenable to conflict. What I expected was that it would change my life.
It did.
Yes, I learned all kinds of things about myself - including academic humility which was new, since school to that point had always come very easily to me - but the best gift I was given in law school were my four girlfriends. If I am ever inclined to believe in predestination or fate taking a hand in directing my life, I would say that these women were the reason I went to law school. What I know is that I recognized the amazing people around me in school and threw any pride I had out the window in roping them into my life, in whatever I way I could.
We graduated 13 years ago, and we five friends have had about 13 reunion vacations since then, four marriages, birthed eight children and two grandchildren, moved households a pile of times, changed jobs, dithered about career decisions, and laughed and cried more times than I can count. These women have changed my life - and to give myself credit, let's word that differently: we five women have changed each other's life.
We just spent five days on the Gulf of Mexico, with nothing more pressing than catching up on our life stories, eating good food, and relaxing with each other. It was restorative, peaceful, hysterically funny, gorgeous, and best of all a chance to open our hearts to each other in person and share the burden we each carry. You know how the Grinch's heart grows three sizes at the end of the story? I felt like my lungs expanded and I could breath three times more fully by the time we headed home.
Thank you my friends. You are in my heart every day. No matter how much life might beat me dow at times, I can only believe that I am amazing person, since women like you find me to be worthy of your friendship and love. I am beyond blessed.
It did.
Yes, I learned all kinds of things about myself - including academic humility which was new, since school to that point had always come very easily to me - but the best gift I was given in law school were my four girlfriends. If I am ever inclined to believe in predestination or fate taking a hand in directing my life, I would say that these women were the reason I went to law school. What I know is that I recognized the amazing people around me in school and threw any pride I had out the window in roping them into my life, in whatever I way I could.
We graduated 13 years ago, and we five friends have had about 13 reunion vacations since then, four marriages, birthed eight children and two grandchildren, moved households a pile of times, changed jobs, dithered about career decisions, and laughed and cried more times than I can count. These women have changed my life - and to give myself credit, let's word that differently: we five women have changed each other's life.
We just spent five days on the Gulf of Mexico, with nothing more pressing than catching up on our life stories, eating good food, and relaxing with each other. It was restorative, peaceful, hysterically funny, gorgeous, and best of all a chance to open our hearts to each other in person and share the burden we each carry. You know how the Grinch's heart grows three sizes at the end of the story? I felt like my lungs expanded and I could breath three times more fully by the time we headed home.
Thank you my friends. You are in my heart every day. No matter how much life might beat me dow at times, I can only believe that I am amazing person, since women like you find me to be worthy of your friendship and love. I am beyond blessed.
Monday, September 10, 2012
It's been 22 days...
I just looked and it has been 22 days since my last post. My angst over that makes it feel much longer, so I was little relieved it see it hadn't yet been a month, though I do feel like this post is sort of a confession (I'm Sarah and it's been 22 days since my last log-on...). Mind you, I am not "should-ing" myself about writing every day or whatever, but I have been castigating myself over the not writing because I feel like I'm doing it (or not doing it, as it were) as a "so there!" or other oppositional reaction. What is up with that?
When I first started my blog, it was because I had so much rambling around in my head I just needed to get it out. I remember writing topic lists and just having item and idea one after the other. It was so easy! And I think as it got harder - and I started facing some of the personal decisions that come with blogging (yes, we all know what those are I'm sure!) - some part of my brain started with the "fine! then I just won't do it!" Then throw in a couple added life stressors and we have a 22 day strike. And trust me, it felt like a strike. I didn't read other people's blogs and I didn't even THINK about writing a post.
"Get over your damn self!" is my new internal mantra. A very wise friend said this to me a couple weeks ago - in the kindest and most indirect of ways - as I ranted on and on (again!) about work crap. And it comes back to that awesome Shawshank Redemption quote "get busy living, or get busy dying". If there are choices you opt not to choose (i.e. changing a job or whatever), then find the good in what you have and QUIT BITCHING ABOUT IT. Focus on the good and your mood will very likely lift - mine has. I have actually sailed through work the past couple weeks without any real whining at all and that is saying something!
I am also the queen of whining when life gets hard. I have had a remarkably easy life in so many ways. In looking back, it feels to me like I've rarely if ever truly challenged myself to do anything that takes struggle or perseverence (except the marathon that is marriage and parenthood, of course). As I am now coming out of my weird funk, I see that this blog writing stuff takes effort and perseverence - and doing it for the experience of doing it, not for any other purpose or for any other person.
Whew, glad to have that out of my system - how many Hail Marys do I have to do?
When I first started my blog, it was because I had so much rambling around in my head I just needed to get it out. I remember writing topic lists and just having item and idea one after the other. It was so easy! And I think as it got harder - and I started facing some of the personal decisions that come with blogging (yes, we all know what those are I'm sure!) - some part of my brain started with the "fine! then I just won't do it!" Then throw in a couple added life stressors and we have a 22 day strike. And trust me, it felt like a strike. I didn't read other people's blogs and I didn't even THINK about writing a post.
"Get over your damn self!" is my new internal mantra. A very wise friend said this to me a couple weeks ago - in the kindest and most indirect of ways - as I ranted on and on (again!) about work crap. And it comes back to that awesome Shawshank Redemption quote "get busy living, or get busy dying". If there are choices you opt not to choose (i.e. changing a job or whatever), then find the good in what you have and QUIT BITCHING ABOUT IT. Focus on the good and your mood will very likely lift - mine has. I have actually sailed through work the past couple weeks without any real whining at all and that is saying something!
I am also the queen of whining when life gets hard. I have had a remarkably easy life in so many ways. In looking back, it feels to me like I've rarely if ever truly challenged myself to do anything that takes struggle or perseverence (except the marathon that is marriage and parenthood, of course). As I am now coming out of my weird funk, I see that this blog writing stuff takes effort and perseverence - and doing it for the experience of doing it, not for any other purpose or for any other person.
Whew, glad to have that out of my system - how many Hail Marys do I have to do?
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