New addition to the family...

Any who have read my blog from the beginning will recall that Sean and I were seriously considering adopting another child.  Due to some personal circumstances, we found we wouldn't be able to proceed until June 2013, so it kind of went on the back burner for a while.  And in that time I realized a few things.

First, I had to accept that I was wholly overwhelmed with my life as it is right now.  My girls are starting to have more and more outside activities, my younger daughter is on the ASD spectrum which results in some real struggles for all of us, and the reality is that any additional stress, I might just explode. And additional stress came last summer, in the form of a huge work shift.  One of my co-workers left for another job and his entire case load ended up on my desk.  There was good in that, and I did well with it, but it left me with absolutely no emotional reservoir.

I don't like to admit the work "overwhelmed" ever has any bearing on my life.  I take great personal pride in being able to get through anything - one of my huge "walls" is to never let anyone see me sweat.  Good Germanic and Scandahoovian martyrdom and stiff upper lip b.s. and all that, you know.  It's bred into me.  But I did admit it ultimately to myself this time. 

And so the dream of adopting a child is over.  Those children need homes, and I greatly admire those who provide the homes and the amazing care that these kids need to deal with their pasts and their futures, but my children had dibs on me first and my obligation to them does not allow me to dilute myself beyond my limits.  I'd love to think I could do it all but that is not being honest with myself.  On a happier note, once I did figure it out, it took a lot of pressure off.  There is a certain amount of deep breathing that comes with accepting yourself as you are, you know? 

And our family then took a leap:  in October we adopted a second dog.  I have never had a second dog in my life, so that was an interesting prospect.  The dog we adopted, Copper, is a greyhound, rescued from a racetrack breeding farm in Kansas.  He must have been slow or something, because he never made it to the track, which is maybe a good things for him (conditions at the track are worse than those at the farms).  The thing about these rescued greyhounds is that they know nothing of family life, living in a house, or floors other than dirt and concrete.  Copper lived with thousands of other hounds in outdoor pens and kennels.  He was terrified by the door to our house and cars and mailboxes, we had to teach him to walk up and down stairs, and he still (3 months later) is spooked by new people, loud noises and shadows on the walls.  But he is sweet and sometimes playful and we have high hopes that he will continue to socialize and develop his personality.  Thankfully, he and Lucky took to each other right off.

We are a well balanced household now - 2 adults, 2 kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs; 4 males, 4 females.  I hope we are also on our way to balancing everyone's emotional needs, activities, and obligations - or at least I think we are and I'm optimistic. 

Happy New Year

To any of my blogging friends who have been wondering if I dropped off the face of the earth, well rest assured I am alive and well but I did drop off the face of the blogging world a few (six?) months ago. I haven't even logging in to blogger in all that time and despite how curious I've been about everyone and what everyone is writing about, something happened that just stopped me in my blogging tracks.

To everyone a very happy new year!  I hope that everyone can stop and breathe long enough every day to find the beauty in each and every day - even if it is hiding behind the gerbil wheel of regular life or the various tragedies that have a way of creating havoc with our peace and happiness.  I hope 2013 is full of changed attitudes and harmony - and that my hope for that isn't dimmed before the new year hardly can begin. 

I hope to be back in the coming days, catching up and sharing with everyone again.  I have missed you and am finding my way back. 

Sarah

Gifts

When I was 29 years old, I decided to go to law school.  I decided I needed to challenge myself and stop waiting for "the one" to come along and get my own career and make a difference in my own life instead of waiting for someone else to create a difference for me.  I heard from almost every lawyer I talked to that I shouldn't do it - not because I wouldn't be able to but because it wouldn't make me happy.  I didn't expect it (the job) to make me happy - I have known for my entire life that I am unamenable to conflict.  What I expected was that it would change my life.

It did.

Yes, I learned all kinds of things about myself - including academic humility which was new, since school to that point had always come very easily to me - but the best gift I was given in law school were my four girlfriends.  If I am ever inclined to believe in predestination or fate taking a hand in directing my life, I would say that these women were the reason I went to law school.  What I know is that I recognized the amazing people around me in school and threw any pride I had out the window in roping them into my life, in whatever I way I could.

We graduated 13 years ago, and we five friends have had about 13 reunion vacations since then, four marriages, birthed eight children and two grandchildren, moved households a pile of times, changed jobs, dithered about career decisions, and laughed and cried more times than I can count.  These women have changed my life - and to give myself credit, let's word that differently:  we five women have changed each other's life.

We just spent five days on the Gulf of Mexico, with nothing more pressing than catching up on our life stories, eating good food, and relaxing with each other.  It was restorative, peaceful, hysterically funny, gorgeous, and best of all a chance to open our hearts to each other in person and share the burden we each carry.  You know how the Grinch's heart grows three sizes at the end of the story?  I felt like my lungs expanded and I could breath three times more fully by the time we headed home.

Thank you my friends.  You are in my heart every day.  No matter how much life might beat me dow at times, I can only believe that I am amazing person, since women like you find me to be worthy of your friendship and love.  I am beyond blessed.

It's been 22 days...

I just looked and it has been 22 days since my last post.  My angst over that makes it feel much longer, so I was little relieved it see it hadn't yet been a month, though I do feel like this post is sort of a confession (I'm Sarah and it's been 22 days since my last log-on...).  Mind you, I am not "should-ing" myself about writing every day or whatever, but I have been castigating myself over the not writing because I feel like I'm doing it (or not doing it, as it were) as a "so there!" or other oppositional reaction.  What is up with that?

When I first started my blog, it was because I had so much rambling around in my head I just needed to get it out.  I remember writing topic lists and just having item and idea one after the other.  It was so easy!  And I think as it got harder - and I started facing some of the personal decisions that come with blogging (yes, we all know what those are I'm sure!) - some part of my brain started with the "fine!  then I just won't do it!"  Then throw in a couple added life stressors and we have a 22 day strike.  And trust me, it felt like a strike.  I didn't read other people's blogs and I didn't even THINK about writing a post. 

"Get over your damn self!" is my new internal mantra.  A very wise friend said this to me a couple weeks ago - in the kindest and most indirect of ways - as I ranted on and on (again!) about work crap.  And it comes back to that awesome Shawshank Redemption quote "get busy living, or get busy dying".  If there are choices you opt not to choose (i.e. changing a job or whatever), then find the good in what you have and QUIT BITCHING ABOUT IT.  Focus on the good and your mood will very likely lift - mine has.  I have actually sailed through work the past couple weeks without any real whining at all and that is saying something! 

I am also the queen of whining when life gets hard.  I have had a remarkably easy life in so many ways.  In looking back, it feels to me like I've rarely if ever truly challenged myself to do anything that takes struggle or perseverence (except the marathon that is marriage and parenthood, of course).  As I am now coming out of my weird funk, I see that this blog writing stuff takes effort and perseverence - and doing it for the experience of doing it, not for any other purpose or for any other person. 

Whew, glad to have that out of my system - how many Hail Marys do I have to do?

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Went to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green today.  Sweet movie that we all enjoyed a great deal.  But as a person who has had 4 miscarriages - - I will admit to you that I cried like a baby in the beginning of the movie, as the parents describe "their child" and put the descriptions in the box.  Oh amen!  I've so been there.  Despite my attempts to not engage in it, I went from positive pregnancy test to guessing at gender and thinking about names and calculating due date and maternity leave to high school graduation and thoughts of the future for each and every one of those pregnancies.  And then as soon as I had each of my miscarriages, I purged all those pertinent dates and thoughts from my brain.  It hasn't been that long, and I couldn't tell you a single one of my then-thwarted due dates or anything.  Internal defenses to certain events are an interesting thing.

On the way home from the movie, both my kids started crying about our dog that died a couple years ago.  How they miss her, wondering where she is buried (btw, if anyone has an explanation for I explain allowing a family pet to be cremated by the vet's office that might make sense to a 9 year old, I'm all ears), and how life isn't fair.  Oh ain't that the truth, children!  They had me crying too. 

A much different vibe than our usual movie trips, but really a lovely movie. 

Feelings ... wo wo wo feeeelings ...

Anyone else remember that classic song "Feelings" by some guy?  No wonder I reject feelings - I was scarred for life by that song!

Anyway, it's been hard to come up with a blog topic lately - mostly because I've been way too scattered from being busy to think of much coherent, but also because the crap that floats through my brain is all on those topics I don't blog about.  I used to be able to say that I would be glad when the election is over, but I swear the political b.s. (lying, scheming, and making no effort to further community or national goals because we're too busy name calling) just goes on continually nowadays, but of course it is way worse in a presidential election year. 

Last night at my Al Anon meeting, there was a reading about the need to think before we speak - that airing things out unfiltered can cause untold damage.  True enough.  But what struck me was the flip side - that by thinking TOO MUCH before we speak, we (and by we I mean I) tend to deny our feelings and miss our opportunity to express them - which can cause untold damage to ourselves and our relationships.  I was raised not to have emotions, much less express them.  It hasn't been too hard to learn to express positive emotions but if something makes me feel a negative emotion, I have no ability to open up my mouth and talk about it. 

What is interesting to me is that I can sit in meetings and think - for instance in response to this reading - wow, I'm doing great because I don't vent at people and say hurtful things.  Yay me.  And then sometimes these other realizations happen and I think - crap ... I am one damaged piece of work.  But I did give myself a little pat for having this realization. 

The next reading was something about how the program allows a safe space for folks who have long stuff their emotions to feel those stuffed feelings - and it characterized it as those emotions boiling forward like hot lava pouring out.  Well to my Midwestern Lutheran Scandahoovian self, this stopped me in my tracks.  I'm good.  No need for hot lava here.  You can just keep your full range of emotional health, I'll just be here.  Holy crap, who thinks that the 'hot lava' experience is a motivator to work the program to get in touch with your inner emotions?  I am not miserable by any stretch, I'm mostly content even - I should also say that I'm not convinced that I have a hot lava pool in me anyway - but I am certainly not feeling anxious to move one step in that direction just in case. 

So feelings - I have them.  I feel them.  I can identify a whole spectrum of them in me.  I even know the script for talking about the negative ones (you know, the "when you do [whatever], I feel [whatever], and it would feel better to me if you would do [whatever] instead."  But I can't visualize how to make myself do that any more than I can visualize how to make myself do a back flip. 

another tick off my bucket list

Had the good fortune to see one of my favorite singer songwriters in concert tonight at one of my favorite places - the Minnesota Zoo uses their outdoor amphitheater for Music in the Zoo in the summertime and my sister and I went to see Mary Chapin Carpenter.  She has long been a favorite, since the first time I ever heard her music, and she has long been on my list - for whatever reason - of celebrities I'd like to have a beer with.  Well no beer tonight, but I am very happy to like her just as much after the concert - she seemed nice and friendly and grateful and funny.

Got me thinking about other groups I've seen in concert ... I have a pretty limited live music experience.  My first concert was Styx during their Kilroy was Here tour.  I was a senior in high school.  Then I saw the Nylons and Billy Joel in my early 20s.  When I was in Seattle, I saw some groups I don't recall the names of, but I did see one concert by The Proclaimers (awesome!) and I saw Pearl Jam at the Gorge in George, with Neil Young (Eddie Vedder was so drunk it was kind of disappointing).  I saw Harry Connick Jr (he is a wild performer and so fun - and adorable) during law school and I also won tickets to some concert with three pop/rock groups who had big songs around then but I can't for the life of me remember who those groups were...and I don't think I've seen anyone since then (1999).

So maybe having a beer with Mary Chapin was a bit of a stretch for my bucket list, so I'll consider it satisfied with tonight and our front row seats.  Worth every penny!